Senseless acts of horror

For those of you who know me you know my beloved grandfather "Aboo" is dying.  Last Monday afternoon he stood up from the table after eating lunch and collapsed having had a massive stroke.  The ambulance was summoned and rushed him to Winchester Medical Center where we were told all would be well and in a few days he'd be sent to a re-hab facility to get back on his feet.  More rapidly than I can tell you in words his situation deteriorated to where we are now which is in hospice at Care Haven in Martinsburg.  He was delivered there Tuesday...eight days after it started right on the brink of death.

We have since learned somehow he contracted a really rare degenerative brain disease called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.  It's very similar to Mad Cow Disease and they have no idea how he could have contracted it other than that it strikes alzheimer's patients more then anyone else. He had that plus a side dish of dementia just in case the first wasn't enough to fill you up.  This disease moves frighteningly fast and literally kills the brain minute by minute.  Each day they  did and MRI and you could watch as the grey lobes of his brain slowly turning white starting at the edges and working its' way in.  With that came loss of all movement in all extremeties save for his left hand and wrist, complete blindness, loss of swallow and speech ability, seizures, catheters, diapers and if that wasn't enough, pneumonia.  All of it in the span of a week.

I was with him last night and he could still open his eyes though his ability to speak is now competely gone.  He still pulled my hand a little and moved his head slightly which means he wants a kiss, so I was really grateful to see him still able to do that though by today he will not.  It was the first night I was with him alone and I spent a few hours letting him know it was ok to go, singing and talking to him, crying and just sitting quietly studying every feature of his face and hands so as not to forget a single one.  He's so frail and so close to death but he just won't go.  I let him know several times last night it was ok and we'd all be ok but I know him well enough to know he doesn't leave until he's ready and it's always been his way or the highway.  I just wish he'd find that highway before my heart breaks apart completely.

How do you get over this- you don't.  People keep telling me it gets easier and I already know it doesn't. You cope- that's it.  I am no where near over Aunt Win's death 10 years ago or Grannie's in April and yet here I am again.  Death is cruel and unmerciful and my faith is shaken.  I struggle to know why death can be so cruel to such good people.  My Aunt Win starved to death after a tumor wrapped around her stomach and starved her to death, my grannie with her mind gone messing her own pants, my Aboo as you see above.  Life is so hard so I don't get why death has to be so hard.  I'm so lost.

Shake, rattle and...blow

What a week this has been.  Every other day I have experienced absolute crazy.  It started on Sunday when I got the stomach virus of the year.  I was so sick I literally lost 7 lbs in two days- most sucktacular.

Tuesday I am sitting at my desk talking with a client on the phone to work out the logistics of their truck load and suddenly my chair rolled back about two feet.  As I was rolling I had a vibration starting literally at my core, which by the way scared me because I had a moment of, OH SHIT...it's coming back- am i sick?  Almost immediately there was a roar that sort of sounded like an explosion and all hell broke loose.  The walls were literally moving and my cubicle wall started bending in towards my face.  The office windows were buckling in and pictures and papers started falling and it shook like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  I jumped up and tried to push the wall away from me because I have two glass panes in it that were coming right at me.  Not knowing it was an earthquake I just wanted it away from my eyes.  About 15 seconds later there was such a eerie silence while we all stood there trying to figure out what  happened.  Was it a warehouse accident?  Did a plane go down at Dulles right behind the office?  Or worse, was it a terrorist attack around the 10th anniversary of 9/11?  We're 14 mi from downtown DC so for us it's way to realistic.  It might sound sick but we were really relieved to find out it was an earthquake though once it sunk in we were totally freaked out.  The miracle of mother earth's generosity is noone in the office or the warehouse were seriously injured and not one of the giant pallets, stacked three high in the warehouse came down and killed someone.  She was very kind as she sent us a serious message that we need to take better care of her.

Thursday was severe thunderstorn day which caused a ton of accidents and made traffic impossible.  It was one storm after the next.  Kind of surreal.

It is now about 1am on Saturday and we are set to get battered by hurricane Irene later today.  I am glad today is the last day of the week and sincerely hoping it will break the weather chaos that reigned this week.  Please keep all those who have lost homes and businesses this past week with all the natural disasters.  I send them love and light and healing and pray that earth mother will see fit to give us a little longer to try to do right by her even though we don't deserve it.  Peace, light and love.

And she begins yet again



I'm over it already.  Imagine that.   I used to be a dweller but I'm over that too- thank God.  I told him how I felt and then walked away.  For a few days I was pissed but part of being me is that I am resiliant.  It reminded me that I need to remember what is me and what I am gifted.

My true is a water sign- I am earth.  Water is free and flowing and creative but can be tempestous and destructive.  I am strong and stable and true and calm but can be obstinant and destructive as well.  Water flows over and through earth and she stays strong and stable holding him safely within her borders.

I am Capricorn and he was a Leo which is also earth.  Picture two large mountains crashing into each other- not pretty.  When I discovered he was a Leo there was a dread in my gut because I know my true is water- it's in the stars.  I am so relieved it showed itself for what it was so soon.  It was a match made in hell.  My first husband was Capricorn, my second, Leo.  This was before I knew what to look for and thought "feelings" and "love" were real and made the relationship work.  Now that I have been so blessed by the Universe and have been gifted this knowledge I need to use it though when you're lonely it's hard.

So, I wait.  I am now grateful for the entire experience.  I learned so much and my belief system was indeed validated and cemented.  Being a goat I am stubborn and I used to forge ahead if it was what I wanted.  Now, I know I have to wait and watch and pray.  I truly want to meet that person and hope that someday I am given that opportunity.  No, I story it will be.  Story you're happy ending and manifest with me you're tomorrow.  Blessings, light and love to you all and thank you for sticking around while I pouted.

Namaste

Sugar coated monkey shit

I am not sure what love is any more. Is it a cruel cosmic joke played on those of us still trying to be optimistic or are we on candid camera to the rest of the world to show us how stupid we are.  I have waited my whole life in anticipation of my next disappointment and frankly, I'm done.  I am too tired to keep at this game.

My latest faux pas is this guy I met who has been coming on to me quite strongly over the last few months and asked me out etc.  I have really been digging this dude so in doing my homework found he has, you guessed it, a WIFE!  So, I flip and basically offer him my entire "Rhaphsody in Peeved major"  and tell him to piss off.  So a few days later he says, Leah, look, we're legally seperated and divoricing.  I should have told you but I'm only married on paper.  We're done.  Pleae let me get to know you better.  I'm crazy about you.

My mind is whispering what nice looking weathly guy who can have anyone wanting with a pudgy middle aged gal?  Mind you I'm not hideous but I've a ways to go before I'm where I want to be.  Then the icy blast of fear that stories me, "He just wants to see what porking a fat girl feels like" and I tremble and want to run like hell.  Stupid me who never learns, I say, ok, let's get to know each other a little better.

So weeks go on, i'm craz about him, he is for me....blahblah...Friday I wished him a happy BD which is today and said, if you're thinking you have to spend it along you don't.  I would be happy to cook for you and hang out and he was very noncommittal which surprised me.  Wanna know why kiddie's???  His NOT "soon to be ex" was taking him to NYC to grab a show and stay a few nights in a hotel.  Me being of delicate nature went after him immediately wanting to know what the hell the deal is.  I get back...it's the latch ditch effort to see if we can make it work. My answer- I hope for your sake is does cause you're finished sniffing around my skirt pal.  Followed with a hearty fuck you very much and have a nice day.

So, I'm finished.  I'm not dating ever again.  I just ate my last bite of sugar coated monkey shit.  Peace.



True



Am I destined to walk with my shoulders stooped under the weight of betrayal and lonliness.
Lost and wandering, yearning for someone with whom to share that which is me?
Do I have the courage to open my heart which has been broken so badly I felt physical pain; eyes that have cried themselves dry from such hurt and sorrow...do I have the perserverance to try and conquer fear?

I yearn for you with feelings so deep and urgent  as I walk barefoot through the grass I feel their vibrations coming up from earth mother.  I walk alone offering my soft moon light until my feet meet the water and it is then i feel the light that is you.  A light as bright as the sun and pure  I know it instantly-it is the light of my true.  Seeing one another doesn't matter- regardless of physicalities we are matched, for our spirits are already in love.  We have imagined one another and manifested each other for so long we know every inch of one another without ever touching.

You gently remove the heavy weights from my weary shoulders and I kiss the tears from your eyes.  As we lay in the soft cool grass entwined we know we are moon and sun, I am earth and you are water and we were destined to be right in this moment.There is no need for physical speech because our souls communicate on a much higher level and we are one. We will always be one and we are grateful.

Namaste

On becoming...

I have blogged a lot on synchronicity lately...well not exactly lately, and I'm sorry for that.  My granny died April 16th followed a few weeks later by my grandpa- Papa Shepherd.  I have been really struggling with the losses along with some other family issues so I just ran out of time. This is so very healing for me so I need to be better about it and thank you for sticking with me while I worked through some things.

So, I had this dream a few weeks ago that my fav musician had his heart broken.  I was employed as a singer (hence the word DREAM- sigh) but I was also preparing fresh food and there for moral support.  He had been gone for a few weeks after the break up and when he came home he was crippled by grief.  I just sat with him and tried to help him in anyway that I could.  Sometimes when you're connected you don't need to be touching to feel the love.  So, eventually he came back into himself and we moved on.  After the dream I woke up to find my face and pillow very wet so I obviously was feeling his pain.  I told my mom about it and she called me weird..total compliment in my book-ha!

Last night I was talking to my sister Andi and we were making plans to catch him live at the beach in September.  I don't know how it came up but she asked if I had read his blog lately and I sheepishly told her I had not since granny passed.  She said oh, they broke up- his choice.  I literally couldn't breathe for a minute and then told her my dream.  We talked for hours about all the synchronicities we have had lately and she made me swear again I hadn't read the blog.  I still haven't as I write this because I just haven't had a chance but I will.  Weirder yet is that I was looking for a letter opener for a nasty cardboard envelope and I saw a statue on the floor covered in dust that was part of an old claim.  It is a barely covered lady with dragonfly's in her hair, at her waist and two huge one by her feet.  She also has wings.  I am still stunned.  I cleaned her up and asked that if noone claims here could I please buy it from the company. I was wearing my moonstone dragon fly right when I found it.  I am not sure what is happening right now but i am grateful. The winged dragonfly lady hit me especially hard because my mantra, which is a poem by Terri St. Cloud, I believe is me as dragonfly lady.  The poem goes:

"Having tired of the negative words-she laid them down.  Being finished with the weighted boots, she burned them.  Touching a feather to her tears, she slipped on her wings,turned to her sky- and flew"
This is my dragon fly lady:





Love and light to all!!!

The Computer Chronicle

Viruses.  Nasty buggers no matter how you slice it.  Stomach, ugh.  Computer, shriek.



I adore my son if I haven't made that clear.  He is the light of my life and in all honesty my world.  He is also the king of all things downloaded.  He even downloaded a fart machine once and I should have been mad but I was laughing too hard.  Short of it...we got a virus.  Not just any old virus.  We caught a super bug that totally fried the computer.  For a few days it wouldn't even turn on and now it just flashes a blue screen.  I was one unhappy momma.  I am however grateful to see the light of it.

I struggle to keep on top of the bills and still make sure Austin has what he needs and he has lunch and running money.  So, how blessed am I that right after tax season we get the virus.  It could have happened right before Christmas and I would have been without a computer for months instead of weeks trying to save up enough to replace it.  Creator also saw fit to help me find a new job (that I love by the way) which will help me make up the money much faster.  I also have no credit cards.  I paid cash for the computer today- I won't live above my means ever again.  It's a terrible feeling to live above your means and the credit card companies are DYING for us to do that.  They make their riches on our stupidity and misfortune.  If I sound harsh please realize I mean OUR misfortune.  I am as guilty as the next guy for using credit cards to live above what I can afford.  Then I took a job at Citibank in customer service/sales.  When I saw what they could do to people legally and started hearing what other banks were doing from the cardholders I paid off my cards (2) and closed them as soon as I could. 

Lessons.  We learn from lessons some so very hard.  I personally am incredibly grateful for the law of abundance, the kindness of Spirit and the knowledge I gained in the most unlikely of circumstances.  I was in two very different positions at two places I hope I never have to have dealings with again. but oh did I learn.  It is amazing what comes from the most unfortunate of experiences if we are open and willing to learn from them.  I will be the first to admit it usually comes afterward becuase in the thick of it we are too upset and/or distracted to learn spiritual lessons at that point.  In my humble opinion I think as long as we learn and apply, even if well after the experience, we are still making the most of it.

So, I raise my Ovaltine to no more harsh lessons (praying), no more stinking computer bugs and many more lessons on living life being love and showing gratitude. 

Light and love

The Dragonfly Days



So today started out with a visit to my wonderful friend and accupuncturist Herb Clark who is amazing.  We had a wonderful accupuncture session followed by a long walk along the canals in Shepherdstown which was as good a therapy for me as the accupuncture.  It's always good to have a kindred spirit to bounce ideas off of PLUS he's a Capricorn so he totally gets me.   So, I told him about the Synchronicity book I have been reading and about how I have been seeing dragonfly images everywhere.  I was sharing how the book tells you to notice and journal them...so, he knows right away why I am seeing them.

The dragonfly symbolizes maturity and depth of character.  It also symbolizes change in the perspective of self realization-that kind of change that has its' source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.   The traditional association of the dragonfly with water also gives rise to the meaning of this amazing insect.  It's scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what's on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life. It can also fly in six different directions and is the only creature that can do so.

Basically it's my graduation from the butterfly stage.  I saw butterflies everywhere last year and the year before...on my walks, on posters, in a song (wink Jason)-everywhere...finally bought a butterfly keychain.  I knew they were part of my metamorphasis getting ready for this year of transition.  Somewhere in the back closet of my mind I knew I read there are different guides for different stages of your journey...I am not sure I was totally understanding that until now.  The dragonfly is with me to guide me as I mature spiritually and mentally and teach me to move from realm to realm and cycle to cycle in any direction with ease.  I am so very grateful...so it get's even better.

When we get back from the walk along the canal we stopped in the shop because he wants me to try an herb he thinks might help with some of my pain issues....not pot-ha!  So, when we get there a good friend of Laura's (she owns the shop) is in from Roanoke doing Tarot readings.  I have never had one and was very excited to try it out though a little fearful.  So, I set up a half hour session and wandered the shop gathering treasures waiting.  I picked up a few stones I wanted and my heart has wanted me to buy more moonstone forever.  Each time I get a bracelet it breaks though so I thought maybe I would try a ring or necklace.  Laura and I chatted and she helped me pick some great stones and next thing you know I'm in the hot seat. 

I was nervous to be honest.  I didn't know what to expect and didn't want any bad news.  So, I sat down with Terri after she smudged and cleared the cards and she had me hold them so they could collect my energy.  They were positively joyous to feel and I could feel the love and energy in them from her and from me- it was powerful.  So, she laid out my cards and the first one came up a wind card- Fear.  I was a believer...right then and there.  I have had lots of fear/anxiety lately and was talking to Herb about it on our walk.  She let me know it's not horror screaming fear, it's just that the cards show I have a lot going on right now and some of it has caused anxiety...cue the new job.  So the cards keep coming.  I get the kharma card reminding me to be humble in my journey and then the 7 tongues comes up.  It's the card that means you can handle many, many things at once and do them well.  She must have seen the look on my face when she turned it over cause to the untrained eye it looked like the mouthy gossip bitch card...she cracked up when I told her how relieved I was!  She said it meant that my fears of not being able to keep up now that I'm back in trucking are WAY off base and I am going to do very, very well there.  My cards were amazing- I got the moon card (remember how I was wanting moonstone) but most importantly I got the card that shows I need to focus more on my path of spirituality because I am correct and the card of protection.  The moon card by the way is mystery, feminine energy and sexuality and feminine power (MEEOOWWW).  So, I'm soaring and crying a little I am so happy and the death card flips over.  Heart stops.  She says, Leah, it symbolizes the end of something major in your life...not a real death persay.  Cue waterworks....the end of the seven year cycle.  At this point I break down and tell her everything...the accident the divorce the BS- all of it and now we're both teary.  She says, now it all makes sense... all these cards make sense to me- I was seeing the pattern but the death card threw me a little until you told me all this- it's over Leah- it's ending.  This is your transition year just like you thought and you're on the right path.  Next card is the Emporer card telling me I will have money, success and happiness again but the kharma card directly across from him reminds me to enjoy it with humility and to raise others up with me.  So, the last card....I am anxious and it's beautiful.  It's the love card.  It's the card with the moonlight spilling into the three chalices.  It's the card that says I have Goddess sister's coming to support me along with my Andi and that it's going to be wonderful.  I held onto Terri for the longest time and thanked her over and over and over for using her gift to help me.  How can you say thank you enough?  So, I told her about the dragon fly thing after we were calming down a bit and she says, "Ask Laura about her dragonfly story-its a good one".  Cue astonishment.

So, I go to my Laura friend and ask her the story and it's amazing.  Her husband was dying of a rare blood disease that hit him with lightning speed.  He went from her healthy husband to ICU in a week- no joke.  She got up one morning to get ready to go back to the ICU (it was May) and decided to have a cup of tea on her deck.  A dragonfly landed on her robe on her heart and she knew right that moment everything would be ok.  So, I told her about Trish's book and how amazing it is and how many dragonflies I have seen lately.  She takes me on the dragonfly tour of the store showing me all the dragonfly things she has and then says, "Wait, I have something I just got that isn't out yet.  It's a MOONSTONE DRAGONFLY RING".  I was so utterly stunned I couldn't speak.  It was so new it wasn't even in inventory and it was breathtaking.  My moonstone and my dragonfly all in one.  I just kept saying how can this be? All we could come up with is sometimes Creator gives you exactly what you need just because.

Wow was I reinforced today.  It's the end of my seven year cycle, I am supposed to be seeing dragonflies, the job was exactly right and EVERYTHING is going to be not only ok, it's going to be better.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am right now to be sharing this with you while I wear my lovely moonstone dragonfly ring.  Believe friends...believe and anything can happen.  I'm here to believe with you, to lift you up when  you are low and to love you no matter what because we're all one Spirit, one Light and one Source.

Namaste

Rebirth and Closure



Painting by Elizabeth Silk entitled "Rebirth"

So, the new job is going amazingly well (knocking wood) and I am adjusting to the commute into the city and the new hours.  I am finally back in my own element and it feels like coming home.  I cannot be thankful enough for this opportunity that I had manifested for so long.  I knew it was right because my prayer was in Creator's time, not mine AND I didn't find the job- it found me- ha! There is so much to learn but I am grateful to gaining more knowledge.  I believe all knowledge is a gift that should be appreciated if only for the fact that someone took their time and love to give it to you.  Doesn't matter if you ever use it.

I AM TIRED THOUGH!  I drive over two hours a day now plus work eight hours.  I come home, might eat, wash my face, brush my teeth and collapse into bed.  I really feel my age now but the ride is so beautiful and I pass thru some really old towns and go thru the mountains so it's just lovely.  I just need to get a rhythm going and settle in.  Everyone there is so nice and helpful and I am just so happy to be there!

On another note, last night my old company called me for an exit interview...two weeks after I left????  So, if I am to follow my life path of love I have to be honest.  I was holding onto some negative energy which is my issue but I was glad to open up to her.  I was brutally honest but polite to her and very factual.  I gave no one sided jaded opinions- I said what happened and how I felt about it.  Since I left four more have gone as well.  It's insane- I have never seen turnover like that.  So, I let her know why and gave input I hope helps anyone else who takes a job at that company.  Worst place I have ever worked hands down.  My positive points are that I met some amazing people I am keeping in touch with AND I got to tell someone how I felt which lifted a burden I didn't realize I was carrying. Now, it's done.  Yet another blessing to be thankful for.

So, forward we go into the Vernal Equinox loving and open and growing every day like the flowers and trees who are waking up.  We have the opportunity for re-birth every single day-how amazing is that? I hope we take it!

Love and light

Nursing home talent show

This morning I open Facebook and this crazy video pops up again...made me laugh right aloud again which I am always grateful for. So, I wanted to add to make sure you rememeber to NEVER stop having fun no matter what, when, who or why. Never lose the "you" that makes you so wonderfully and fearfully made. My spirit sister Andi added the following:

"When I am old I shall wear purple and dance to MJ for my geriatric GF's :) Because I'll probably have a touch of dementia and won't care what you think of me!

For those of you who know me...I'll shall be right next to her but wearing GREEN!!!

Never lose your humor in the face of great challenge. There are so many who love you and will lift you back up to whatever you need to rise to meet. That's the laws of attraction- like folks picking up the vibes you send out and knowing what you feel and sending you love to replace the hurt or fear. Never feel alone- we are all ONE! We are all connected to one great Source and at any time, any place we can enter that stream of well being. It's always there...stick your toe in and and test the "water".

Love and light!

Another Puzzle Piece...



So, I got the job.  I am so stoked!  I needed this and I am so grateful.  I have been on a spiritual journey for some time now.  I'll be on it for the rest of my life for the record.  I have manifested and tried to have faith and PATIENCE which for me is a discipline.  I stopped the prayers that went "Dear God, I want this and that and the other thing" and they became "Source, thank you.  I know there are changes that I would like to see but in YOUR time, never mine again.  I surrender to you that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in the Universe right now" (thanks Tricia Huffman- AMAZING joyologist, Trish and Rob MacGregor and my Andi friend).  I realized that I don't know the plan and by forcing the plan disaster ensues.  I learned in the hardest of lessons, that I wish on noone, but I am grateful for the knowledge.

So, the formal offer came in yesterday and I was too happy to say yes because I knew it was right.  The job came out of nowhere and so I knew there was a force behind it that was so much higher than me.  I am finally going to dig out.  I am going to be ok financially, I am going to be ok physically, I am ensuring I am ok mentally and spiritually and now I can do the things I need/want to do in time.  I wanted to consult with Tricia Huffman who selflessly offers herself as a Joyologist to any and all...by donation in some cases just to be accessible to folks without a golden checkbook, which in this day and age is really unheard of.  I was floored by that- a struggling single mom like me could be touched by her on what I can afford- wow.  So, now, when I get on my feet I can benefit from her expertise which is SUCH a blessing.  I can also afford to pay for my soon to be 16 year old's car insurance when he gets his license which is going to be STEEP.  I just believed it would all happen.  I focused and manifested and believed that ANYTHING is possible, even for me, and, it is.

Belief is where it starts.  The firm belief that if you surrender to the stream of well being that is always available and believe in the goodness of the Universe that in time, all things will work themselves out.  I used to follow this unquestionably and then I lost my way for a time.  I was clouded by the mitote that the chaos sometimes brings and simply got lost.  I am incredibly grateful Creator didnt chalk me up to a lost cause and continued to pursue me and help me find my way again.  I am grateful to those whose hands were sent to guide me along both showing me what I should do and what I should most assuredly NOT do.  The latter I am probably the most thankful to because they are the real teachers in my humble opinion.  It is that which hurts us that leaves an indelible mark on the stream of consciousness. 

So, off we go on a new journey.  I am trying to celebrate with gracious humble gratitude and keep the snarky -bwwaaahhaa you rotten people who were mean to me and are still stuck in that hateful place lady at bay.  She's a fiesty and persistent thing.

Love

Newsworthy?

This morning I got up to several inches of the white fluffy stuff and sighed.  It's so pretty but man is it a bear when you live in the hills.  So, I'll strap on my boots and head into the wild blue in a borrowed four wheel drive to get off the dirt road I am honestly so grateful to live on.  It's a fair trade for the hiking trails just out my front door.

So, I grab some fruit and cottage cheese for breakfast and proceed to check the headlines on MSN.  I don't do much TV so checking in on MSN once daily is how I stay "connected".  I am munching away pondering whatever happened to putting baby food in glass jars and worrying about the possible effects of BPA on our littlest as I am considering when to take my plastics to the recycler in town when the headlines load.  "Quake in New Zealand Kills Dozens" followed by "107 Whales dead on New Zealand Coast".  Munching over.



 Here's what killed me though, the next flash what about Justin freaking Beiber cutting his hair followed by possibly the most horrible looking woman I have ever seen looking like she was going to vaccuum someone into her gaping mouth as she screamed at them- she's some sort of housewives nonsense.  Then, I'm pissed.   I'm actually pissed- REALLY???????  Earth mother is screaming for mercy and we're worried about the locks of some kid who still has peach fuzz???????  Whales are washed up on the beach dead and we care more about some celebrity wedding or a cat with a camera strapped to it's collar.  My God, it's here folks and we're missing it because we only hear what we want to here- it's the true dumbing down of our planet.

I did watch a movie this weekend called 2012-  I do movies sometimes and this one scared me.  It's about December NEXT YEAR when the world ends as we know it.  Talk about Synchronicity- here's the scariest one of all.  Saturday night I read a science report about the tectonic  plates shifting and the gradual movement of what we call home.  2012 is about the sudden heat up of the earth's core and an accelerated plate shift and I happened to catch it Sunday.  It also shows how only the policticians, genetically "optimum" and the super rich get a spot on the arcs that are being built.  Sound familiar- sound like us?  When that movie was over I was shaking and literally sobbing- yes I know it's fiction but I also know it's here.  Maybe not in 2012 but what else do we need?  Hurricane Katrina, Earthquake in Haiti, Extreme flooding and Typhoons in Australia, Tsunami, now even here at home the Skline Drive was on fire this week- that has never happened and it broke my heart.  The Prime Minister of New Zealand said it might be their darkest day...we are going to find out all too soon exactly what that means.

Please, let's do what we can to save ourselves before Earth mother spits us off and heals herself without us.  Even if it's just recycling your plastics, picking up garbage on your walking trails or if you can, buying a car with better emissions.  It's here folks and it's up to us to make a difference.  I'm heading to Waste Management Thursday to see if they will start a more focused recycling program here...what can you do?

Namaste

Synchronicity



Sorry it's been so long but Dad and Austin are full time jobs and I am just to thankful to be busy helping to care for daddy as he recovers!  So, off we go.

My beautiful spirit sister Andi gave me the most amazing book on the teachings of Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It's all about the laws of attraction- sending out what you want to receive.  It teaches us how to harness our focus to bring about that which we truly desire.  One REALLY important lesson I have learned is that if we worry we attract more of it...so I'm really working on that one.  It also shows how if you focus on lack, lack of the job you want or the right relationship or whatever, you attract the LACK instead of that which you are trying to attract.  We must focus on our goal to believe it into existence NOT wish it into existence.  Powerful book I am working my way through and digesting and will share as we go.

So, being me I am also just finished the Alchemist yet again and started a book on Synchronicity. It's called "The Seven Secrets of Synchronicity" by Trish and Rob MacGregor. They are amazing authors who have penned over sixty fiction and non-fiction books and this one is truly earth shaking for me.  As you get to know me you will also know  I am not sure I am able to read just one book at a time when I get really enthusiastic about a subject.  These are so important to me and I am so excited to share.

(Cue deep breath)...SOOOOO, Carl Jung (great psychologist who studied w/Freud but branched off due to his belief in possibility and Freud's disbelief in anything he couldn't see) coined the phrase "Synchronicity".  It means purposeful coincidences such as losing something that is so important to you that you focus on it and suddenly in a seemingly impossible circumstance you find it.   One story was about Anthony Hopkins who was researching a character and the book he needed was out of print and quite rare.  He really put himself into finding a copy of the book and on his way home one day found a copy on a bench in a main train station in London mislaid by the traveller that was apparently reading it.  To make it more interesting the author of the book was ALSO looking for it.  He had lent it to this person who mislaid it in London where Hopkins picked it up and when the author arrived on the movie set months later to consult with Hopkins he mentioned that he didnt have a copy of his own book.  He also mentioned that he had put many notes in the margin and was quite perturbed at his friend for losing it at which point Hopkins produced the book with all the liner notes and said..."You mean this one"...true story.  So I am ready on and thinking how grateful I am to my mom for giving me the book for my birthday when the author's reference their daughter and how she subscribes to the Law of Attraction theory and studies the works of...you guessed it, Esther and Jerry Hicks and the Law of Abraham.  At this point I am vibrating.  Then they start giving more examples...one in particular was from a man about a performance review at work that was completely unfair and untrue. Unbeknownst to him at the time, it happened because there was another amazing opportunity for him that he didnt know about.  God as my witness it happened to me not two weeks ago and out of the blue I got a call on a job I didn't even know existed that may be an amazing opportunity for me.  In the book they said it was to wake him up to show him that he needed to do something new and prepare him for the opportunity.  I was still licking my wounds and nursing my complete shock (it's the financial industry so nothing surprises me) when the call came in...I had just said to my mom that I was so very hurt and angry about the slighting and whammo- it's because I needed to be ready to be open.  I interviewed last week, the people there I met were amazing and I felt at home the short time I was there, so if the Universe deems it mine I will be once again, grateful.

Reference after reference I kept hitting and with mouth open devoured the text, at times so excited my eyes moved faster than my brain and I had to re-read-ha!!  The strangest was the kick in the head from the Universe to get me to listen when they referenced a session Jung was having with one of his patients.  She kept dreaming of a scarab beetle. The scarab is a sacred symbol in Egypt that symbolizes rebirth and renewal.  Jung was about to tell her how it is a dream of psychological rebirth to prepare her for something knew when something kept tapping into the window behind him.  He opened it to find a beetle hitting the window, a genus they had there that was the closest to the scarab for that area.  I sat there shaking because two weeks ago when all this went down I had the craziest urge to wear my scarab bracelet from Egypt.  It was left to me when my Aunt Win passed and she acquired it on a trip there.  I didn't know when I felt I needed to have it on that it was because I am preparing for a rebirth but I knew I needed Aunt Win with me that day.  I am beyond certain I am on the right path and feeling at peace for the most part though anxious to see what change I am met with.  I also felt VERY drawn to a special journal recently that I got with some points I won at work.  I was stunned to see it on the website where we choose what we would like from the points we earn because it is hand made of recycled materials and right up my alley.  What I didn't know over a month ago when I ordered it is that the book tells me to start a Synchronicity Journal...done!!  I'm just floored, completely floored.  Still not speechless- ha!

On a side note, when I just uploaded the pic of the book I realized there is a butterfly on the cover.  As I have lost the accident weight I have kept the image of the butterfly close as a sort of totem as I go through my own metamorphosis.  I also see literally hundreds of them as I take my walks/hikes through the woods and use them as a judge to know if I should keep going.  If I see them and they dance ahead I forge ahead.  If they abruptly turn back so do I (sounds weird but I live in bear/wild dog/wildcat country).  I felt in my gut I should follow their lead but I decided to test that once and try to do what I wanted instead of following in the signs and ran head long into a roaming Rottweiler who scared the crap out of me... I diverge from course but I'm just saying...know?
So, if you have experienced Synchronicity and would like to share I would LOVE to swap stories with you.  Andi and I are also going to start clearing soon so once we get a rhythm we will share and PLEASE join us if you wish.  In the meantime, be love, be light and BELIEVE!

Love to you!

Trials and tribulations...



Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  ~African Proverb

Today I choose the picture of the Phoenix as inspiration to rise above the past week or so.  It has been hard and I am weary.  I cried a lot of tears but here I am, writing and grateful.

I am learning to be love in all situations and it is hard.  It is hard to be grateful when people can be so cruel.  I keep persevering however...I have fallen but at least I keep getting up.  In the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz he repeats many times to just keep getting up and trying because THAT is how new agreements become life as we live it.  I shed so many tears this week.  I work with some of the most hateful people on earth and that makes it very hard though I try to just offer it up (most of the time) and keep going.  It wears on me and I start getting negative so I have to keep regrouping.  To boot my dad got very ill this week so it's that much harder.

He had a cough for a few days but seemed like just a bad cold.  Wednesday night he suddenly couldn't breathe.  We got a foot of snow and he drops and goes blue-cue panic.  We called 911 and thank goodness they could get to us.  Ironically the exact same thing happened last year- same time and it was when we got almost 4 feet and the ambulance couldn't get here so I was SO grateful for less snow.  He has COPD and congestive heart failure from smoking- public service announcement from me here...if you smoke, QUIT- so he goes from ok to not breathing very, very quickly.  He's had it for a year but it's so hard to recognize and it hits very quickly and there is little warning.  What is just a cold for some turns into an emergency for him literally in minutes- it is so frightening.  This year the cold went into pneumonia in a matter of a day and caused his lungs to fill and his heart to fail.  They took 16 lbs of fluid out of his lungs so far.  Last year he fought us for two days and refused to go to the hospital.  Not knowing what it was (he hadn't been diagnosed with either at that point) we relented.  It almost killed him.  He suddenly stopped breathing on us just like this year but then went septic and wound up with MRSA.  This time he had no choice- go estrogen-lol!

So, work.  I don't get mean people.  I don't know why people want to hurt each other and make each other suffer.  I am going to keep working really, really hard on staying positive and finding something to be grateful for in each situation.  For what was done to me Thursday, I am just grateful that I am not the persons who did it to me.  I am grateful I don't have the capacity to be cruel to someone like that AND so grateful that I am learning from so many wonderful people how to let things like this go and clear.  I am trusting the Universe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now and I accept their black energy and send it back to the Universe as light to return to me with love.  I am strong and I story to me that I am better than the negativity. I story that I can rise above it and float on love as I will not be there much longer because this is a learning experience for my higher purpose- that this is needed for my journey.  I know I am going back to school and I am doing as Spirit wills and I am my purpose because I am worthy. 

I am grateful to those of you who read and I send you love and light and peace.  I feel so blessed to have you on this journey with me and that you care enough to walk with me on it.  Namaste

1-11-11



It's my birthday 1-11-11...cue the Beatles riff..."It is your birthday...happy birthday to you".

What a cool day to be me.  I have been playing with numbers since I realized my birthday was going to be on 1-11-11 and that I would only see that once.  I have had a blast twisting and turning the numbers to keep "proving" to my mind that the equations all equal a huge shift for me to the positive.  I wanted to share a few I came up with. 

1. 1-11-2011 adds up to 7.  This is the 7th yr in a cycle of pain and misfortune-it's ending-I feel it

2. I am 38 today and 3+8=11 which is today's date

3. My birthday equals 7 this year and mom's equals 11...her birthday is Jan 7th-mine the 11th.

4. 1-11-2012=8.  7+1=8 and it's the first year of the new cycle so rightfully it is eight.

5. On 1-11-2012 I will be 39- 3+9=12...in the year 12 which is the first year of the new cycle.

6. One of my fav musicians is born on 4-8 and that also equals 12...ok that one is random but you get the pic

Everything keeps adding up...everything.  I am so excited and so grateful to be a part of it all.  I cannot wait to see what life holds as I move through this year of transition which is already amazing.  I have to stay focused and positive and be ready for the gifts the Universe is bestowing on me already.  I am so grateful to all who have helped in this journey and so excited to share my positivity and lessons with anyone the Universe sends my way who needs them.

Namaste

A Week In



Week one...done!!  I made it and I am grateful and excited.  I manifested love, peace and positivity all week and it manifested in me.  I only got upset at work one time and for a total of maybe 5 minutes. While I was a bit disappointed in myself for letting someone get to me I decided not to look at it that way.  ONE person got me for a few minutes...the rest of the week I was patient and positive and that's HUGE!  I don't story for me that I let myself down, I story that on EVERY other call and situation I was THE BOMB!!   It's a work in progress and a discipline but I am good at both so I got this...

Now starts week two.  I am focused and studying and clearing regularly.  Cleaning my stones with sea salt to wash away any negativity and smudging.  It's year seven...a common theme for me this year and again I am just grateful.  The shift is here and this past week I lost six pounds.  I wasn't kidding; EVERYTHING is different.  So, off I go again tomorrow to keep being me.  I also decided to do things for me this year, like taking off my birthday Tuesday.  1-11-11 is only coming once in my lifetime so I'm going to celebrate it with a hike if the weather holds out.  Maybe accupuncture too...we'll see.

It's very empowering to learn you can surround yourself with an aura of positivity and to see the Universe give it back. It's a miracle really and I am grateful to Andi for teaching me to manifest and to Creator for making me with enough curiosity to try it AND giving me an open mind.  I am most grateful to all those who have hurt me so much.  You have taught me who I don't want to be and help me to clearly see the goodness in the world.   I am also grateful to those I find annoying and mean spirited who test my resolve and make me work harder at storying something loving about them to change my mindset.  You challenge me to be better and I love you for that. 

I'm doing it...yay me!

Peace

Well, begining again



It's a new year- thank God.  It's the seventh in my cycle of pain and loss and I am so incredibly grateful.  Mercury retrograde has hidden it's difficult shadow and I am moving on.  I feel it in my bones.  I asked for cleansing for the new year and boy have I gotten it.  Body, mind and spirit.  I wondered if I had the fastest setting stomach virus in history when I woke up yesterday morning with a literal cleansing that has lasted 24 hours.  I feel great otherwise so I know it's the Universe symbolically convincing me everything is different.  Because I'm literal, a Capricorn and of the female genus sometimes I need a brick to the head...there I said it.

This year is different.  My bithday is 1-11-11...and it's year seven.  I am so incredibly grateful for year seven...been waiting for six and they have been most sucktacular.  I wondered when it all started in 04 if it wasn't a major shift in EVERYTHING.  I know I needed it now and by resisting I really set myself up but I was so lost.  So lost in my own mind, in my habits and life I was no longer me.  What a freaking wake up call...truck to the head instead of brick- ugh!  HOWEVER...

it's over and I am in transition.  Truly.  I feel it everywhere.  The air is lighter, brighter, warmer.  The Universe is telling me I am ready.  As I type this the sun is getting brighter and brighter in this room until I am squinting.  I am not kidding.  It's like a million watt bulb was just turned on...it's incredible.  I can barely see the screen...just now dimming a bit and I feel very light and airy and tingly inside and got a blast of spring air in this closed room in January.  Thank you Universe...thank you Aunt Win!!  And now it has passed though the light is still quite bright and I am grateful yet again.  It's beautiful to feel the Universe shift because you learned and are willing to know more.  The lesson here is to believe...it has rained here and been very dark all morning so it's truly a moment to behold and it's happenning again right now. Hold on, can't see...Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am working on everything.  I have some poundage that needs to go, some old thoughts with clingy cobwebs I am sweeping away and formulating a way to stay positive even in the most hateful places...like work.  They won't get me anymore...they can't- Creator said so- hah!!  So in this year of transition I shall do exactly that...start again in 12...which happens to be my fav number so I am REALLY tripped that it is year one of the new cycle though not surprised.  My birthday adds to seven this year so I know I'm there...next year adds to eight and rightfully shows the end of the past seven...welcome to my mind.  So, off I go into the new year, absolute in my belief that I am me again, surrounding myself with love and postive people and open to learning and loving freely.  Not feeding anything that grows like cancer...only that which blossoms like love.  I'm blossoming.

Namaste