Warmth

Two weeks of warmth
A gift from God
March 20-72 degrees
So grateful.

It all adds up

Happy 3/9/12.  Get it 3+9=12.  I love math that shows synchronicities...my birthday this year was 1/11/12-1+11=12.  It's the start of a new life for me and I cannot wait!! 

I was accepted into Shepherd University in their nursing program so I am psyched!  I cannot wait to become a healer.  I love to help people and I love medicine.  I have a very curious nature and want to bring love and peace and happiness to everyone I touch.

I am so very grateful for a "do over".  I hope I can show God how thankful I truly am.  I am most grateful for the new first year of seven. 

Namaste

Life without my sweet

My grandfather died on November 19th at 1035pm.  He was 89 years old.  It was a really cruel end and he was very frightened a lot of the time which almost killed me.  The very last night the nurses were running behind so he hadn't been bathed- he had his meds however...I was the meds nazi.  I finally got fed up because in life he was spotless about himself and kind of smelled.  I didn't know part of it was the smell of organ failure and part was him not being cleaned properly.  I turned the heat way up in his room and stripped down to a tee shirt and jeans and started filling basins with warm water and soap.  I washed him from head to toe singing to him and talking to him and made sure he was as clean as he used to like to be. I sang Mraz's you and I both because the words fit and Bella Luna because he loved it when I played it for him. He was a fellow night owl. I changed  his sheets and gown and bundled him all up because he was running a really high fever.  His breathing by then had slowed to 20-30 second pauses and then a few breaths and another long pause.  As I sat with him after he had his meds and some Tylenol for the fever I knew it was the end.  I whispered to him when the breathing would stop for those interminably long pauses and at times found myself holding my own breath waiting to see if it was done.  I was so frightened it would be but at the same time wishing it would as well.  I have never been so torn in all my life.  Then his breathing got very ragged and it was harder and harder for him to start back up.  I kept telling him to stop trying and that it was ok to go and it hit me like a punch to the gut.  He was doing it for me.  He was not going to allow himself to die in front of me.  I was the first grandchild and he and I had a relationship that was so special there aren't words to describe it.  He didn't want me to see him die.  When I realized it, I kissed him about a thousand times and told him I'd be back in a little while just like I did every time I left for a few hours to get some rest or go to work.  I got home and sat down and shortly after felt a very cool breeze blow by me in the living room and a feeling of panic.  I called the hospice right away and was told he was taking his last breath that very moment literally.  He stopped by to say good-bye which I will be forever grateful for.  They said he just sighed and that was it.

He taught me a lot about listening that night.  How sometimes you have to quiet your mind and listen to the heart's message- the dying can only speak to your heart.  As soon as I listened, he was able to leave.  I miss him so badly as I type this I cannot stop the flow of tears- I miss everything.  His laugh most of all- he had a wicked sense of humor.  He is the only 89 year old I know who attempted to "pop, drop and lock it" when my son found a crazy video that cracked him up.  It was just before he died. He danced all around the room that night cane swinging wildly- my brother and son and I danced right along with him and didn't stop until he was ready to-we knew the moments were winding down. He never cared who was looking or what anyone else thought- I get my free spirit and love of adventure from him.  He was the best.  A new star came out the night he died-I love the night sky so I knew it was never there before.  It's very bright and every night regardless of the weather condition that star peeks it's head out and I say goodnight to my sweet.  I sang Bella Luna that night as I said earlier. It starts "Mystery the moon"...the star is literally right on the edge of a fingernail moon.  I'm going to have a necklace designed to match it one day.  He sent me the star knowing I'd be looking...he's still loving me from wherever forever is. 

xo