The pain in gain

This cartoon is a prime example of what pisses me off about the world we live in.  We assume, used to include me, that people are fat because they choose to be.  We assume the eat themselves that way and stay that way because they are lazy and have no goals.  What we never ask is how they got that way- why don't we ask?  Because they're fat so they don't warrant the same concern or love the rest do.  It's sick really.  We're so conditioned as to what is beautiful, we are so storied what the ideal is, we forget that what we see as beautiful now is what was considered sick.  Look at the amazing paintings of ancient Rome- pudgy zoftic women.  Know why Mona was smiling? She had a full belly.

A few years ago after my car accident I gained well over a hundred pounds from steroids and painkillers.  I was too broken to work out and the HEAVY painkillers made me crave sugar to the extent I would eat sugar cubes out of the box.  Not kidding- I actually ate sugar to quell it- was overwhelming.  I took them because I was in agony and the beauty of being that stogified is you don't care you're buying new clothes...you don't care you're changing.  You just care that you don't hurt.  So, I wound up fat and addicted.  It's been great.

The last two years I started working out when I could and of course stopped the painkillers cold turkey when I realized I had lost myself in them.  I walked, tried to run, got a treadmill, changed my eating habits and have lost over 75 lbs.  Yay me right?  But I realized how easy it was to judge others again as I slid down in sizes from a 22 to a 12.  Suddenly I saw fat again...and I found myself judging.  Well, if she just got on a treadmill, if he just stopped eating candy bars...then I chose something else...to remember.

Let me tell you what being huge is like.  Let me tell you about the jobs you don't get because you're out of breath on the steps following your potential boss to their office.  Let me tell you how noone holds a door for you or looks you in the eye or talks to you in a bar when your skinny friends feel guilty enough to ask you to go with.  Let me tell you how it feels to have folks snicker at you at a buffet.  Let me tell you what it feels like to be alone, to never want to be asked out, to never worry about waiting for the phone to ring. Let me tell you how badly you want to die, let me tell you how much you don't care and why you don't spend money on clothes and why you don't get your hair cut or put makeup on.  Let me tell you that not caring how you look is only because NOONE cares how you look because they never see beyond your big fat ass.  It sucks-devastatingly.

I wish we could see each other inside, I wish we could only see spirit.  I wish light shone thru skin so the folks who are the prettiest and the most popular are those who hold so much light they are blinding.  I wish we could all see beyond skin sacks and bad habits and misfortunes to see the love in all shapes and sizes.  I wish Hollywood would get chubby and promote love of ALL shapes and sizes and colors and creeds and religions so LOVE ruled instead of the "ideal". 

I haven't lost much weight in the last few months.  Everyone who sees me congratulates me and tells me I look like me again, one person said I looked beautiful again.  I cried so hard after that- I was beautiful again???  Wasn't I always?  I was still me, still funny, still talented but I realized invisible.  I was bigger then I'd ever been and completely invisible.  Unseen to the trained eye who has been storied as to what beauty is.

Fat folks don't always eat too much to get that way and who are we to judge I ask?  Who are we to assume because we are thinner we have the right to assume their stories? When did fat and failure become synonymous? I tell everyone who will listen to me how badly it hurts to be the one being stared at for being perceived as awful and weak.  I want to change the story because weight is destructive to our bodies.  It causes diabetes and heart issues and all matter of muscle and joint problems but much deeper then that is causes a hate of self so deep and so destructive that the cycle becomes self destructive on purpose.  I believe that if fat folks were told they are beautiful that way and LOVED they would choose to be life.  They would choose to lose the weight because they are worth it, they are amazing and gifted and wonderful.  Look at all the zoftic and amazing people talented beyond belief who have gifted us regardless of how we have judged or seen them.  Look how many are gone due to drug use like Mama Cass or Chris Farley or Karen Carpenter (who killed herself because she was just so afraid of being fat) because we judged them to death.  Aren't we the lucky ones that they didn't hate us the way we have judged them for not fitting the norm- imagine what we'd have missed!!  Please, love thy neighbor...we are fearfully and wonderfully made...heard that today in a most unexpected place and it reminded me that we are.  We are perfect.

Peace

The Reality in Perspective



Love is blind and human will is so flawed- truly.  I recently saw a woman who used to be my best friend in this world.  I would have done anything for her.  I did actually.  No matter what she needed I was there.  Money...done- a LOT over the years-place to stay...done-shoulder to cry on...done.  I loved her so I saw her as the human eye will- my way.

I came home four years ago broken and despairing.  I needed her and I called several times just to talk- she was always busy always said she'd call or come over.  I told her how much I needed her, I needed my best friend and finally, she came- once.  When she finally showed she promised she'd be there for me like I always was for her.  I wouldn't have to go it alone, she'd make sure I was ok...we'd meet a few times a month and just go out and spend time together.  I am still waiting to hear from her again.  I did find out she got married three years ago- I wasn't invited obviously.  Now I wonder why I expected anything else?  So many times over the years she let me down but I just kept loving her because I expected her to become what I wanted her to be.  Where is that fair to her? 

When I saw her I was angry until I realized I had no right to be because I knew what she was and just chose not to acknowledge it. I chose to believe what I wanted to.  I storied she was by best friend knowing she was her best friend first deep down and HOPING she would return the love I sent.  I now know you cannot be love and offer it conditionally with the price of getting it back in full- the Universe doesn't support that theory. I have been looking at the feelings and as my head cleared, I realized how sorry I am because she is who she never wanted to be and railed against.  She is now hiding behind the small town Christian facade marching valiantly to Old Rugged Cross.  She turned into one of the folks that uses the word "Christian" as an adjective when being love is a verb.  Teaching Sunday school and sitting in church right up front every Sunday making the appearance and singing the loudest and then slinging the gossip while sharing cookies at the after service Sunday social. 

I  realize that Spirit gifted me by losing her.  I asked that my life be guided by Spirit and that the will of the Universe should direct me, not my own will which is not reliable as to be human is to be erred.  I am being supplied what and who I need and I am grateful.  Betrayal is a story you tell yourself.  If you say, "I am betrayed" you are.  If you choose "I have been gifted" you are.  Everything is a choice and every moment of your life is a story you choose.  I story that I am open and I am grateful.  Perspective is the choice you make not just how others see you.

Namaste

To be or not to be...grateful



I love the Chinese symbols for gratitude.  To me they make sense because they look like exactly what they are- a very complex art form.  Today I was tested in my practice of being love and I am forgiving myself for being very human in my reaction. I am also grateful I have also recognized it was an amazing, though painful gift.

My son's father and I have been divorced for a while now.  Through some of his own volition and partly because he has serious anger issues he is not really a part of Austin's life.  He forgets his birthday, holidays and is, in general, a total shit.  So, when we moved back east his brother asked if he could be a part of my son's life.  I was hesitant as he has had life long drug issues, is not entirely dependable and used to often find himself in trouble.  After meeting with him many times and seeing that he has a nice home now and seemed to be trying really hard to live a good life I decided to let him into Austin's life though I really wondered if it was my best idea.  I wanted Austin to have some kind of connection to his dad's side of the family so later he didn't resent me for gladly accepting their lack of involvement in his life.  I wanted him to see me practice what I preach- love and forgiveness. So with a little salt I ate some serious crow.

So, over the last few years they got closer and eventually I let Austin spend the night with him.  He taught Austin some great things and he also spoke very openly with Austin about what a messed up family he grew up in which validated the few things I told Austin.  I didn't tell Austin many, many things that happened and that they did to me as I don't believe in jading a child, so it was great to have them come from his dad's side.

So, this past weekend Austin spent Saturday night there.  When he came home on Sunday I could see he wasn't himself and he would not hug me...he's 15 so it's not that unusual but he was REALLY avoiding me.  So, I finally ambushed him and as I was smooching his cheek I got the whiff of marijuana.  I was so stunned I couldn't move for a minute and then my tongue recovered and I blew.  There were the standard denials with spoonfulls of beligerance a dash of fibbing which made a delish bullshit souffle.  After about 30 minutes of fighting with him he finally came clean.  His 40 year old uncle gave him his first hit of pot-shared a freaking pipe with him.  I still cannot believe the audacity.  Where in the hell did he ever think he had the right to let MY child try pot?  Is that not up to me if he's curious???  I called and emailed the last few days and he won't take my calls.  Austin begged me not to call the cops because he didn't want him to lose everything.  Me, I wanted him on death row but I realized that a parent has to give respect to get it so I put down the phone and prayed for guidance.  I also preach that vengeance is not the way and that the Universe handles these things much better then we do so again, I have to lead by example.

So, in an effort to be love I called his father.  It is after all his brother, so I decided I would give him a chance to actually be a parent to Austin for once and handle it.  I surmised it would save both brothers embarrassment and keep my son happy.  I was wrong.  He yelled at me for waking him up Sunday and hung up on me.  Then today he calls back and says, "Now that I am awake let's talk about this".  Seriously...are you kidding me???  So, I rehashed the whole story and then he proceeded to call me a liar, tell me that my son is a liar and his brother wouldn't do that.  He said he had to hear it from Austin as I was mental, screamed and cursed at me for a solid minute until I told him to go to hell and hung up.  He calls back a few hours later and insists on speaking to my son.  He proceeds to literally interrogate him and then called him a liar to his face and yelled at him.  At that point I lost it-  I did the worst thing possible.  I cut him into tiny slivers and pretty much laid out exactly what I thought about him. 

I was bitterly disappointed in myself for losing it. I asked for forgiveness from Spirit for being weak and not being love but I am confused because I am sorry for disappointing such a benevolent Creator but I am not the least bit sorry for the verbal judo.  I hope to never speak to him again and doubt my son will- my son's choice- but can you be forgiven when you are not totally sorry?  I have forgiven him over and over and over again and I am just finished with it as it always comes back to him attacking me physically and/or mentally. 

Then a  little while later while talking to my spirit sister I realized what a gift the whole thing was.  My son saw his father for exactly who he is.  I was validated in the most gracious way.  Sure I took one heck of a beating, but my son's eyes are opened.  I am worried for him as I don't want him hurt ever but I have been preparing him for years subtly so he wasn't shocked and hurt when his dad finally showed himself.  I shouldn't have let him hear me filet him that way but I also wasn't going to let him think it was ok to speak to me that way...very hard to know what way is "right" in this case.

So I am grateful and hoping I have the right to be.  I am very grateful to know I have a lot more work to do on being love as that is a very valuable lesson. I hope to someday just be able to smile if I have to deal with him again as he will not change.  He chooses to be cold and hateful but I have the gift of having the choice on how I react to it.  So, now I try to break this down and acknowledge each piece and FEEL it so it can leave and once again erase him from my consciousness.  I hope someday I am truly love so that I can send him love and healing for his mind and soul and I rest in the knowledge that Spirit loves me and Austin, Spirit protects us and Spirit knows I truly am grateful.

Love and light