The pain in gain

This cartoon is a prime example of what pisses me off about the world we live in.  We assume, used to include me, that people are fat because they choose to be.  We assume the eat themselves that way and stay that way because they are lazy and have no goals.  What we never ask is how they got that way- why don't we ask?  Because they're fat so they don't warrant the same concern or love the rest do.  It's sick really.  We're so conditioned as to what is beautiful, we are so storied what the ideal is, we forget that what we see as beautiful now is what was considered sick.  Look at the amazing paintings of ancient Rome- pudgy zoftic women.  Know why Mona was smiling? She had a full belly.

A few years ago after my car accident I gained well over a hundred pounds from steroids and painkillers.  I was too broken to work out and the HEAVY painkillers made me crave sugar to the extent I would eat sugar cubes out of the box.  Not kidding- I actually ate sugar to quell it- was overwhelming.  I took them because I was in agony and the beauty of being that stogified is you don't care you're buying new clothes...you don't care you're changing.  You just care that you don't hurt.  So, I wound up fat and addicted.  It's been great.

The last two years I started working out when I could and of course stopped the painkillers cold turkey when I realized I had lost myself in them.  I walked, tried to run, got a treadmill, changed my eating habits and have lost over 75 lbs.  Yay me right?  But I realized how easy it was to judge others again as I slid down in sizes from a 22 to a 12.  Suddenly I saw fat again...and I found myself judging.  Well, if she just got on a treadmill, if he just stopped eating candy bars...then I chose something else...to remember.

Let me tell you what being huge is like.  Let me tell you about the jobs you don't get because you're out of breath on the steps following your potential boss to their office.  Let me tell you how noone holds a door for you or looks you in the eye or talks to you in a bar when your skinny friends feel guilty enough to ask you to go with.  Let me tell you how it feels to have folks snicker at you at a buffet.  Let me tell you what it feels like to be alone, to never want to be asked out, to never worry about waiting for the phone to ring. Let me tell you how badly you want to die, let me tell you how much you don't care and why you don't spend money on clothes and why you don't get your hair cut or put makeup on.  Let me tell you that not caring how you look is only because NOONE cares how you look because they never see beyond your big fat ass.  It sucks-devastatingly.

I wish we could see each other inside, I wish we could only see spirit.  I wish light shone thru skin so the folks who are the prettiest and the most popular are those who hold so much light they are blinding.  I wish we could all see beyond skin sacks and bad habits and misfortunes to see the love in all shapes and sizes.  I wish Hollywood would get chubby and promote love of ALL shapes and sizes and colors and creeds and religions so LOVE ruled instead of the "ideal". 

I haven't lost much weight in the last few months.  Everyone who sees me congratulates me and tells me I look like me again, one person said I looked beautiful again.  I cried so hard after that- I was beautiful again???  Wasn't I always?  I was still me, still funny, still talented but I realized invisible.  I was bigger then I'd ever been and completely invisible.  Unseen to the trained eye who has been storied as to what beauty is.

Fat folks don't always eat too much to get that way and who are we to judge I ask?  Who are we to assume because we are thinner we have the right to assume their stories? When did fat and failure become synonymous? I tell everyone who will listen to me how badly it hurts to be the one being stared at for being perceived as awful and weak.  I want to change the story because weight is destructive to our bodies.  It causes diabetes and heart issues and all matter of muscle and joint problems but much deeper then that is causes a hate of self so deep and so destructive that the cycle becomes self destructive on purpose.  I believe that if fat folks were told they are beautiful that way and LOVED they would choose to be life.  They would choose to lose the weight because they are worth it, they are amazing and gifted and wonderful.  Look at all the zoftic and amazing people talented beyond belief who have gifted us regardless of how we have judged or seen them.  Look how many are gone due to drug use like Mama Cass or Chris Farley or Karen Carpenter (who killed herself because she was just so afraid of being fat) because we judged them to death.  Aren't we the lucky ones that they didn't hate us the way we have judged them for not fitting the norm- imagine what we'd have missed!!  Please, love thy neighbor...we are fearfully and wonderfully made...heard that today in a most unexpected place and it reminded me that we are.  We are perfect.

Peace

The Reality in Perspective



Love is blind and human will is so flawed- truly.  I recently saw a woman who used to be my best friend in this world.  I would have done anything for her.  I did actually.  No matter what she needed I was there.  Money...done- a LOT over the years-place to stay...done-shoulder to cry on...done.  I loved her so I saw her as the human eye will- my way.

I came home four years ago broken and despairing.  I needed her and I called several times just to talk- she was always busy always said she'd call or come over.  I told her how much I needed her, I needed my best friend and finally, she came- once.  When she finally showed she promised she'd be there for me like I always was for her.  I wouldn't have to go it alone, she'd make sure I was ok...we'd meet a few times a month and just go out and spend time together.  I am still waiting to hear from her again.  I did find out she got married three years ago- I wasn't invited obviously.  Now I wonder why I expected anything else?  So many times over the years she let me down but I just kept loving her because I expected her to become what I wanted her to be.  Where is that fair to her? 

When I saw her I was angry until I realized I had no right to be because I knew what she was and just chose not to acknowledge it. I chose to believe what I wanted to.  I storied she was by best friend knowing she was her best friend first deep down and HOPING she would return the love I sent.  I now know you cannot be love and offer it conditionally with the price of getting it back in full- the Universe doesn't support that theory. I have been looking at the feelings and as my head cleared, I realized how sorry I am because she is who she never wanted to be and railed against.  She is now hiding behind the small town Christian facade marching valiantly to Old Rugged Cross.  She turned into one of the folks that uses the word "Christian" as an adjective when being love is a verb.  Teaching Sunday school and sitting in church right up front every Sunday making the appearance and singing the loudest and then slinging the gossip while sharing cookies at the after service Sunday social. 

I  realize that Spirit gifted me by losing her.  I asked that my life be guided by Spirit and that the will of the Universe should direct me, not my own will which is not reliable as to be human is to be erred.  I am being supplied what and who I need and I am grateful.  Betrayal is a story you tell yourself.  If you say, "I am betrayed" you are.  If you choose "I have been gifted" you are.  Everything is a choice and every moment of your life is a story you choose.  I story that I am open and I am grateful.  Perspective is the choice you make not just how others see you.

Namaste

To be or not to be...grateful



I love the Chinese symbols for gratitude.  To me they make sense because they look like exactly what they are- a very complex art form.  Today I was tested in my practice of being love and I am forgiving myself for being very human in my reaction. I am also grateful I have also recognized it was an amazing, though painful gift.

My son's father and I have been divorced for a while now.  Through some of his own volition and partly because he has serious anger issues he is not really a part of Austin's life.  He forgets his birthday, holidays and is, in general, a total shit.  So, when we moved back east his brother asked if he could be a part of my son's life.  I was hesitant as he has had life long drug issues, is not entirely dependable and used to often find himself in trouble.  After meeting with him many times and seeing that he has a nice home now and seemed to be trying really hard to live a good life I decided to let him into Austin's life though I really wondered if it was my best idea.  I wanted Austin to have some kind of connection to his dad's side of the family so later he didn't resent me for gladly accepting their lack of involvement in his life.  I wanted him to see me practice what I preach- love and forgiveness. So with a little salt I ate some serious crow.

So, over the last few years they got closer and eventually I let Austin spend the night with him.  He taught Austin some great things and he also spoke very openly with Austin about what a messed up family he grew up in which validated the few things I told Austin.  I didn't tell Austin many, many things that happened and that they did to me as I don't believe in jading a child, so it was great to have them come from his dad's side.

So, this past weekend Austin spent Saturday night there.  When he came home on Sunday I could see he wasn't himself and he would not hug me...he's 15 so it's not that unusual but he was REALLY avoiding me.  So, I finally ambushed him and as I was smooching his cheek I got the whiff of marijuana.  I was so stunned I couldn't move for a minute and then my tongue recovered and I blew.  There were the standard denials with spoonfulls of beligerance a dash of fibbing which made a delish bullshit souffle.  After about 30 minutes of fighting with him he finally came clean.  His 40 year old uncle gave him his first hit of pot-shared a freaking pipe with him.  I still cannot believe the audacity.  Where in the hell did he ever think he had the right to let MY child try pot?  Is that not up to me if he's curious???  I called and emailed the last few days and he won't take my calls.  Austin begged me not to call the cops because he didn't want him to lose everything.  Me, I wanted him on death row but I realized that a parent has to give respect to get it so I put down the phone and prayed for guidance.  I also preach that vengeance is not the way and that the Universe handles these things much better then we do so again, I have to lead by example.

So, in an effort to be love I called his father.  It is after all his brother, so I decided I would give him a chance to actually be a parent to Austin for once and handle it.  I surmised it would save both brothers embarrassment and keep my son happy.  I was wrong.  He yelled at me for waking him up Sunday and hung up on me.  Then today he calls back and says, "Now that I am awake let's talk about this".  Seriously...are you kidding me???  So, I rehashed the whole story and then he proceeded to call me a liar, tell me that my son is a liar and his brother wouldn't do that.  He said he had to hear it from Austin as I was mental, screamed and cursed at me for a solid minute until I told him to go to hell and hung up.  He calls back a few hours later and insists on speaking to my son.  He proceeds to literally interrogate him and then called him a liar to his face and yelled at him.  At that point I lost it-  I did the worst thing possible.  I cut him into tiny slivers and pretty much laid out exactly what I thought about him. 

I was bitterly disappointed in myself for losing it. I asked for forgiveness from Spirit for being weak and not being love but I am confused because I am sorry for disappointing such a benevolent Creator but I am not the least bit sorry for the verbal judo.  I hope to never speak to him again and doubt my son will- my son's choice- but can you be forgiven when you are not totally sorry?  I have forgiven him over and over and over again and I am just finished with it as it always comes back to him attacking me physically and/or mentally. 

Then a  little while later while talking to my spirit sister I realized what a gift the whole thing was.  My son saw his father for exactly who he is.  I was validated in the most gracious way.  Sure I took one heck of a beating, but my son's eyes are opened.  I am worried for him as I don't want him hurt ever but I have been preparing him for years subtly so he wasn't shocked and hurt when his dad finally showed himself.  I shouldn't have let him hear me filet him that way but I also wasn't going to let him think it was ok to speak to me that way...very hard to know what way is "right" in this case.

So I am grateful and hoping I have the right to be.  I am very grateful to know I have a lot more work to do on being love as that is a very valuable lesson. I hope to someday just be able to smile if I have to deal with him again as he will not change.  He chooses to be cold and hateful but I have the gift of having the choice on how I react to it.  So, now I try to break this down and acknowledge each piece and FEEL it so it can leave and once again erase him from my consciousness.  I hope someday I am truly love so that I can send him love and healing for his mind and soul and I rest in the knowledge that Spirit loves me and Austin, Spirit protects us and Spirit knows I truly am grateful.

Love and light

Stones of a feather...

There is more than one kind of rolling stone ;-)

  





There are all kinds of stones. Those we throw, those we toke, Rolling Stones, those we take pics of, those that are heated and we are massaged with and then, there are their evil cousins.  Nasty and jaded buggers,  they lodge directly in our kidneys causing great pain and woe.  My brother has now joined the stuck stone club with his big sister.  Poor guy, day before Thanksgiving he has to have surgery to release aforementioned boulder from his kidney.  Worse yet there is a 12 inch stent that gets left in to leave all the pipes open. Good news- I had a great time telling his best friend that on Monday he's the one who has to pull the string to remove it and listening to him gag-better news I'm not alone on Thanksgiving.  I was a bit sad that I was to be alone that day as I had to work and the rest of the fam was going to be at my sister's in NY.  The Universe being good and kind decided differently.  I would be with my brother.  We love each other but have never been close as I am a drifter and until recently didnt live close enough to really spend any time with him.  So, Spirit gave us the chance to REALLY know each other.  He was at his most vulnerable and in my care.  I didn't ask but I wondered if he was afraid I was going to avenge all the trash can rides, times he locked me in my closet with wet hair and a robe and had my date let me out or ice water over the shower curtain stunts.  I was good...honest.

So, over a few days we were able to talk and laugh and and really know each other which is such an unexpected gift.  I was able to do what I love the most also.  Give my all to someone who needed me and watch them heal.  It also reminded me once again how EVERYTHING is meant to be.  I have had quite a few sets of stones now so I knew exactly what to do for him.  Was able to quell every fear with love and positivity and with enough narcotics fix every ache and pain.  Listening to him laugh his butt off at random subjects from his tokified place in kidney la-la land was worth every sleepless moment as well.  Never doubt the power of coincidence or the goodness of the Universe.  It's all there for us- we just have to be open enough to receive!!!

Namaste

Manifesting love...



"Forgiveness is the scent of a rose left behind on the heel of the foot that crushed it~ Mark Twain"

A few weeks ago I noticed a small bump on the inside of my thigh. It was a tad itchy but I had been hiking and had gotten a bit chewed so I just ignored it.  Last week I started feeling feverish and my joints were screamingly painful and I was so exhausted. I figured flu bug- no big deal and I have RA so sometimes when it flares I really hurt.   Thursday my tiny bump started to hurt.  When I got home from work, I grabbed a flashlight and to my horror found my bump had legs suddenly.  It was the tiniest tick I've ever seen.  It was positioned right in the middle of a "bullseye" that was as big around as a half dollar.  I called the doctor Friday and they insisted I come in straight away...you guessed it...Lyme disease.  I couldn't believe it. So I was put right on antibiotics but as the weekend went on I got sicker and sicker. I went back in this morning and wouldnt you know the sore throat and swollen glands weren't from Lyme after all- I've got strep throat to boot.  As I dragged to Wal-Mart to fill my shiny new scripts I was being grateful for antibiotics, the fact I would be off work for a few days and that I could eat pudding guilt free.

As I was standing in line I noticed the gentleman in front of me looked very familiar. I studied him for a moment and realized it was an old family friend we had lost touch with.  I have known him almost my whole life and lately he had been on my mind very heavily.  I had actually been looking at pictures of him and his wife and my folks from when we all lived in NJ.  They were our next door neighbors and I babysat their kids who were my younger sister's age.  He's a great guy whose wife did him incredibly wrong. Almost identical to what my husband did to me.  She was taking lovers in their bed while their kids were at school.  He was driving to New York and staying up there during the week so they could live comfortably and she was catting about.  It was a horrible divorce- one of the nastiest I have ever seen.  When the dust settled he stopped talking to anyone who was associated with his life before the divorce.

My parents spoke of him often and we tried many times to locate him but until today the Universe didnt allow it.  I tentatively asked him if he was who I thought and when he said yes I just threw my arms around him.  I told him how much he has been missed and loved and how wonderful it was to see him.  We were both sick and waiting on prescriptions so we sat on the bench while they filled our meds and just talked.  I told him how clearly I understood why he didn't keep in touch as I have folks I don't keep in touch with because it's too raw.  I also told him he was entitled to that time to heal and we would understand completely if he still couldn't handle the memories.  To my delight he said every time he came to Wal-mart he hoped to run into one of us.  He said he hadn't even planned to come to that Wal-Mart today.  I let him know I hadn't either- was so sick I was going to have my mom pick up my meds so I could just go home.  Yet there we were.

The Universe is so powerful if you manifest and send love.  Sometimes the answer comes in the CRAZIEST ways as this did, but I have never been more grateful to be witness to it.  The true miracle is when he said to me, "Leah, I only wish her to be happy now."  He really meant it.  After how badly he was screwed and how hurt and wildly angry and bitter he was for so many years he was able to let go.  I know there's hope for me for sure now...I am going to work that much harder on forgiving Mark...I am grateful for today, I am grateful for Lyme and Strep and for abundance. These hives however are starting to piss me off...

Love, love, love

FREE SAKINEH- PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION

Hello friends!! 

I have been sitting here sick as a dog with Lyme disease for the last few days and the Universe once again opened up my eyes and gave me perspective.  I have no worries at all really...I am very grateful for that.  So, I post to bring awareness to SAKINEH MOHAMMADI ASHTIANI.  Sakineh has been sentenced to die by stoning for alleged adultery in Iran and her son has been arrested for defending her...excerpt from article:

"The world is aware there is no legal basis for the execution of Sakineh by stoning or by hanging, or for her imprisonment.  Her barbaric sentence for adultery, following the murder of her husband by criminals subsequently convicted, is not based on evidence as the judiciary acknowledges, now was it ever specified with whom she committed alleged adultery. She was forced to make a confession under extreme duress, which she retracted during the trial.
Now, Sakineh’s 22-year-old son, Sajad has been  arrested, with his lawyer Houtan Kian for appealing for the release of his mother.                              '

Please, READ AND SIGN THIS PETITION as we have to work thru love to help women like Sakineh from being tortured and killed.  We need to petition they have the same human rights we all should!!  Here's the link- http://freesakineh.org/.  Peace!!

Accupuncture

Yay to Herb's Healing Hands- owned by my friend Herb Clark who did an AMAZING job on me Saturday morning.  I feel so much better dude- thank you!

Love and light!

Wake up call



Two weeks ago my doctor found lumps in both my breasts.  As I sat numb listening to the orders for diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound and biopsy I just reeled inside.  Noone in my family has survived it.  Always spreads- lung, ovarian, uterine...3 or 4 years later we do lady in a box. As I sat down in the car holding all the test papers crying at the shock it hit me, WHAT THE HELL???!!!  Six years I have been slammed and slammed and slammed.  Now this.  And finally I got angry- I was screaming mad.  When do I get a break?  When do I get an outlet?  When do I get to create again, sing again, write again??  AND mostly WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO REALIZE I WANTED TO AGAIN??  So, I raged for a few days which I normally don't do as I stay away from negativity because I don't want to attract it.  I worked thru feeling sorry for myself and the why me's by reading my Aunt Win's article on ovarian- "Why, that's the breaks".  She's right.  That and knowing once I acknowledge and FEEL the feelings they are done and they can leave.

So for two weeks I have been mashed, smashed, proked, prodded, handled and been WAY outside my comfort zone standing topless in front of folks I don't know.  So short of it, it's not cancer and I'm grateful.
Long of it, what now? 

Been working horrendous jobs in this economy to clothe and feed the trash compactor that is my son, hiding behind walls of protection so disappointment or hurt don't find me and playing it safe.  I think Spirit finally got fed up with me.  Gave me the real prospect of death so I'd stop being afraid  and follow my own dreams for once which is also outside the comfort zone. 20 years and I dreamed and waited for the "right time".  So, I am making the right time.  I started travelling this year again for the first time since the wreck and have had a ball.  I am still going to help anyone who needs me and spread love and joy because that's how Spirit made me but I'm out for me which I have never done before.  Always someone else sick or needy and I'm a mom so it's rarely me.  I thought I was starting to do it.   I wasn't- I just didn't know it then.

Hello Universe, wonderfully crazy woman with a beautiful singing voice, love for poetry, wicked sense of humor and extremely lusty sense of adventure looking for a life- you hiring?!  Oh, if you want me to change- I'm not available.

Love, love, love



Don't be a hater!!

My sweet cousin Jess was on the news in NYC yesterday.  She had the courage to open up about her eating habits.  She is an incredibly picky eater, identical to my mom.  I am also a picky eater but not by choice.  I have a rare reflux I developed as a child that makes it nearly impossible for me to digest most roughage.  I get excrutiating stomach pains after I eat most fruits and veggies and then my body purges them-violently.  So, though I miss salads and oranges and onion rings ..I can't eat them.

I look this morning and Jess was hurt because two incredibly hateful guys put horrible comments about her being spoiled and they should cancel her insurance and a man named Te said her gene pool should be obliterated.  Seriously??  I was FURIOUS!  Here she is opening herself up to help others and these two idiots attack her.  I went into verbal judo mode and constructed a response that sliced them to pieces.  I wrote and seathed and wrote and steamed and then it hit me.  I am being no different by ranting!  I can cut them down or I can let it go and let the Universe handle it.  I have worked so hard to be love- to be different and follow a different path.  The path of love and light and forgiveness.  I was shocked at how easy it was to slip back into "hot" mode- I come from a family of incredibly hot tempers and sharp tongues on my dad's side.  I realized early I wasn't like that by nature- I was imitating what I had been shown and I could CHOOSE to be different- to be who Spirit created me to be.  So, I deleted my post though I am still pissed at the small minded attack on her.  They don't know she's an amazing teacher working with Austisic kids and has her masters degree in special ed.  They don't know she reaches out to help folks she doesnt even know with no hesitation.  They don't know her!

Then I realized- that's right- they don't and don't deserve too.  Not knowing someone as special as Jess is a big loss for anyone AND the Universe will square it up. Maybe they'll be shooting tomatoes out THEIR noses in the next few days!! 

Love you Jess- no worries about the haters- focus on the folks that dont have your courage that you are helping by just being you!!  Oh, and you know THEY"LL never get that much air time when we're under a serious storm warning!!  Love you Jess!!

peace

Six Impossible Things...





Recently I watched Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland for the umpteenth time.  I love it- I was absolutely gob smacked over just the stills.  When the movie finally came out I was astounded by his vision.  He SAW this movie in his head!!  So aside from the visual addiction I was struck by one phrase in particular.  It's when Alice's father tells her about the six impossible things- if she could name six impossible things that happened to her she could accomplish anything.   She then uses it to help her fend off the great beastie at the end.  So, I really pondered it...how is it any different for any of us? 




If we really consider it, there are six impossible things we can acknowledge every day just in what we think are the mundane moments.  Then in hit me that they don't have to be impossible at all...what about six amazing things that happen to us that we are grateful for.  If I focus on what I experience and find ways to make it amazing and wonderful, I could change everything about my mindset in a matter of minutes.  I could change the energy I was giving and receiving...I could change ANYTHING into love.  So, I began with the trip to Boston and the experiences Andi and I overcame that seemed impossible as they hit.  My first list:

1.  I lost my ticket to Life Is Good the day before I left for the show and was able to get another
2. Andi got travel sick and with love and manifestations of health and positivity (not to mention Nana's     lasagna), in a matter of hours she was better.
3. Andi's hotel lost her reservation and she had no where to stay.  Nana then took us all in so we got to spend the entire weekend together- unexpected and the BEST gift ever!
4. I lost my cell phone at Life Is Good and lost and found had it at the end of the day so I got it back
5. Austin decided about 10 hrs before the show HE wanted to go and we got him a ticket!
6.  My debit card# was stolen and my checking account was wiped out in a matter of hours.  Austin and I had about $45 left in cash and we made it home from Boston on that wee bit and had some change to spare.

So, I decided to do this everyday.  Every morning I am going to try to acknowledge my six impossible/amazing things to start my day off positively. I think that by finding good in the seemingly negative I can heal not only my soul but extend my experience to someone else that might need it.  The law of abundance states you can manifest ANYTHING- I choose love.

Love and light to you!

Beautiful Day



Aunt Win,

Today was incredible.  The kind of day you loved so much in life- I hope it's even better as spirit you.  The late flowers are blooming, the monarchs are swaying on gentle early fall breezes and the air smells sweet and soft.  Cool nights with windows wide open, and yes, on your advice, I still keep them cracked in winter.  I miss you but I feel you, I smell your skin and I see the signs.  Almost 10 years- thank you for the memories and the path you put me on.  I love you.

Possibilities

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.  ~William Shakespeare, Othello


Anything is possible when you see with a loving and grateful heart...the Universe is open if you are...
I had a wonderful adventure with my spirit sister Andi in Boston last weekend, caught my first Mraz concert, saw Nana- it was awesome!! 

Anyway, as I was leaving town with my son we ran into a situation that really peed hard core into my Wheatie bowl...I share to show anything can turn out great if you let it.  So, here we go...

 I was already sniffly leaving the energy of Canton behind. I stop at the local Shell station where Nana dropped us off to walk to the festival the day before to get gas. Swipe my debit card and NOTHING- says unauthorized. Being me, I walk in and say I think there's an issue with the network would you please swipe my card. Declines. Now, I am getting nervous. I flew over to his ATM still clinging to the fading hope it was his machine when it comes back unauthorized yet again. Thankfully I had taken out some cash on Saturday and had held onto most of it. So I paid in cash and called my bank here in Inwood. Late yesterday evening soon after I purchased my t-shirt someone got my debit card number. Hit ATM's, gas stations and a restaurant in Boston Monday at 813am- we didnt get up until almost 10. I sat there numb for a minute trying to process it and realize how utterly foolish it was to use a debit card at a festival. So Austin and I quickly counted what cash we had- $49 between us and the tears hit me.

I don't give myself permission to be angry very often because hate and love walk such a fine line that anger can become bitterness which is a terminal illness. I was however devastated that I had saved up for months to go, was in such a place of love and peace and some creep took me for every penny. Then fear naturally followed as I realized I was over 500 miles from home and had $25 dollars left for tolls, bridges and gas after we filled up. Nana made us take cookies and crackers which I called and thanked her for because we survived on filling up our canteens, saltines and shortbread cookies. Poor Austin was ready to eat his shoe when we hit WV.

So, I cried through MA and RI and when I hit CT I realized I had never been there before and I should be grateful to see these states at all. So, I decided to find things to be happy/grateful for. Started with seeing New England and the knowledge that I lost the 1st ticket and got another, Andi lost her hotel and we were fine, she got sick and we loved and manifested it away (with Nana's most awesome lasagna-though I still have beef tummy ache-lol), we got Austin in last minute, lost my phone and found it and saw Jason Mraz live. That's a flat out miracle bonanza. So, I said if the Universe got us through all that, this will most assuredly be fine. Spirit brought us there and would certainly see us home.

So, off I went believing and loving that I was even there- though am still a little disappointed in the creeper who stole my card number and caused me to have to drive straight home instead of being with my sister that day in NY.  However I know what it is to be wiped out completely so maybe they were desperate- people helped me survive after the wreck so the least I can do is help someone else. Kharma handles the rest.

So, we hit NY, Maurice (gps) went nuts and next thing I know I'm in the Bronx. Me, girl with the well hidden scarlett nape is driving in the Bronx. It was CRAZY- double parking-horns and shouting- CREEPY folks on street corners. I'm raising windows, locking doors and Aust is moaning (imagine that) that he's hot. I don't have enough money to run the air and waste gas and was afraid to keep the windows down so we sat and man, did we sweat. It was so funny. I was seriously Mario Andretti \. We were in the Bronx and on the cross Bronx expressway for over two hours. What an exhilerating experience that I never want to have again!!!

It was worth it though as I hit 78 into Jersey Austin says, "Mom, I am really impressed with your driving- I'm proud of you- I never knew you could drive like that". We also got to see the NYC skyline 2 days after 9/11 and Meadowlands stadium that I saw so many times with Aunt Win. I figured they'd see the WV tags and figure we were inbred if I did something dumb so it was all good. What was better is I was terrified going across the GW bridge would cost me what we had left and I got the courage to roll down my window in the Bronx and holler to the guy next to me who told me it was free leaving the city. Tell me abundance doesn't exist- I found in the Bronx!! There IS love everywhere!!!

So finally in NJ we were dying to use the bathroom and couldnt get off anywhere. After another hour I took the next exit I saw- didnt care where the rest room was -would have stopped anywhere! Came off the ramp and found a rest stop and there was a Shop-Rite that looked so familiar. My spirit was screaming "LOOK AROUND YOU!!" So, I did.  I was in Hopatcong where I spent my summers with my beloved Aunt Win- I was home!! I cried tears of true joy and gratefulness unabashedly- didnt care who saw me. There was a storm brewing- the sky was black, thundering and starting to rain. As we got back on 78- I swear to you - the sky off to my left opened just a little bit and I saw pure blue and the sun rays coming down from it were almost surreal. Austin (yes Austin) says, "Momma- it's Aunt Win- I feel her too- she's here". He was 5 when she died. I was so at peace and so grateful and so joyous nothing else mattered.

If that person hadn't stolen my money I would have gone to Poughkeepsie to see my sister and none of it would have happened. I am so utterly grateful they wiped me out. The gifts I received in exchange were completely priceless. I also realized yet again that belief in the joy and abundance of the Universe is always the way to go. Had I gotten angry I never would have been open to any of these gifts. So no matter what anyone says- or calls me for being different and not fitting in- I am going to go on being love and believing ANYTHING can happen. Better yet I was teaching Austin how to react with love which is a gift to us both. Later he says, "Mom, let's manifest the rest of the week being great so it happens". My boy, who believed in nothing spiritual until Harpers Ferry late one night with me,  realized the power of the Spirit, believing in abundance and the laws of love. There is no greater gift then to see your child acknowledge love. I can only thank Spirit by being the best me I can be and I will.

The gift of knowlege that you lost yourself and the chance to find her again is the greatest gift of all.  Namaste.

Chapter 2.. Breaking out of the Chrysalis- Forgiving



So, several months into Freshness I read a blog on forgiveness and squirmed uncomfortably in my desk chair.  There were some rotten folks in school- bullies extrordinaire that made my life suck most days.  I was skinny, bespeckled, braces, frizzy brown hair and VERY different.  I love music and poetry and nature and even then heard the whispers of the Universe.  I was not athletic though I danced for many years and LOVED it.  I had no interest in sports, cheerleading or chasing boys.  I was better off wandering thru the woods or singing/performing instrumentally with my close friends.   Band= group of misfits tortured for athletic entertainment.  If only they knew we didn't care-ha!

So, I finally decided to let it all go.  It was over 15 years later- I opened the Facebook page I had started 3 years before and closed immediately for fear they would "find" me and still be hateful which I was not equipped to deal with at that time.  To my utter shock friend requests poured in.  People I had been an object of ridicule for apologized and it felt AWESOME!!  So I reached out and forgave and asked forgiveness and was overjoyed.  Are there still some folks that are snidely snarking at me? Yes.  The beauty is, I don't care.  Snark away- you made me this way.  I'm strong because you were mean or knocked my books down or spit on me.  I'm me because I lived thru it all and stayed true.   I say to you honestly, you did me a favor.  (Ok, now I'm snarking tee hee).

So, there were still two big hurts I was harboring.  Two was a vast improvement, but they were big.  One was a family member who said something incredibly cruel in a letter right around the same time my ex laid the "fat and sick" comment on me and the other was said ex.  So, I patted myself on the back for the forgiveness I had given and filed those two away for a rainy day if you will.  Alas, they ate at me.  I am not good at guilt it weighs too much and wears me down- it's why I don't subscribe.  I am a TERRIBLE liar and guilty as hell.

So, fast forward to a year or so later.  I am brushing my hair a few weeks ago getting ready for work.  I had just finalized plans to take my dad to TN to see his mother who is 95.  I was aching over his sister who has held a grudge for over 40 years against the oldest sister, my dad and his brother.  She doesn't speak to me anymore either because I told her several years ago that when she called we could talk about anything but that.  I loved them all and frankly was sick of the Hatfield and McCoy routine so drop it.  She hung up and never called back.  I tried- wrote and called but she can REALLY hold a grudge.  So, as I was lamenting about the missed years and about how granny really needs all of them now it hit me like a hoof to the chest.  I was NO BETTER!!  For four years I held a grudge on an uncle who I had loved very dearly.  For some reason he sent me a letter at the worst time possible and wrote a list of things he decided he didn't like about me.  Ticked them off- there were 12.  Received it the day after my ex's affair came to light.  Bad timing.  My whole family was horrified when I showed them the letter.  It was incredibly cruel, very uncalled for and to date we still don't know why.  When my Aunt died he lost his marbles for all intents and purposes and I should have seen that but again, bad timing.  Grief not handled correctly is dangerous I have learned.  Part of my forgiving him was being grateful that I saw how he handled it and did not follow suit. So, in horror I realized I was no different from the Aunt I was tsk'ing about.  I meditated all day and on my way home from work I called him and said, "I'm sorry.  I think you're letter was crappy and uncalled for but so was my reaction".  I was shaking, a little nauseous and figured he would tell me to go screw myself- which is not unusual for him.  He didn't.  He was shocked- of course blamed me completely, which was expected, but said he was glad I called.  Not as glad as I was.  I was free.  It was done and I had upheld what I promised my beloved Aunt Win I would do.  I would try to watch out for him.  Better yet my family was stunned.  I got the "you didn't owe him an apology- this was his fault" etc.  I tried to explain the realization when I looked in the mirror and saw someone else but they never have gotten me spiritually.  That's ok though- I am good at not being like everyone else so it works.

I share this not to tout my own accomplishments or point out how wonderfully forgiving I am.  I share because a mirror isn't just your physical reflection.  If you look hard enough you can see your spirit reflecting there too.  Are you being true to your spirit self- the you the Creator and Universe designed in love and light?  Are you listening to the Universe or just saying so your blog/internet friends think you're swell?  Are you REALLY being love?  If the answer is no, please, I implore you to look at the grudge again.  Does is REALLY matter anymore and is the cost more than the reason it was started?  If the answer is yes- let it go.  I was never closer to the butterfly I hold as my symbol as I change physcially and spiritually, as when I let that go. My spirit soared on soft colorful wings as the weight of that grudge lifted off me and I flew freely in love and light and positive energy.  Best high ever friends and I have been on some serious painkillers!! 

My ex- another story and a work in progress.  I am working on forgiving him though the hurt and loss are so profound and total that I struggle.  Will I call him to apologize- likely not- at this point not sure it would ever be real and anything but real I cannot do.  I will however learn to let it go and in my own time and my own way will forgive.

Peace

Chapter One-In the beginning there was...flab.



Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.  ~Arthur Golden



Truer words have never been spoken. My life has not been easy but I would trade very little of it because the lessons have been priceless and they have shaped the "who" that is becoming me.

I was an extremely successful business woman, happy married and living the picket fence life.  On December 16, 2004 it took a screaming turn.  I had a really awful car accident after hitting black ice.  I shot toward a house that had the TV playing in the living room and just prayed I wouldn't plow into them at 6 am.  The Universe complied, but when it shot me in the opposite direction my truck caught the edge and flipped 2 1/2 times down an embankment onto rail road tracks splitting my truck in half.  It also crushed my skull, broke numerous bones, caused a brain bleed, bruised my liver, wrecked my left kidney and on and on and on.  I was flat on my back for over a year, in and out of the hospital and with painkillers and steroids and lack of movement I put on over 100 lbs in two years. 

 My dad, sister and uncle's came out to help me with my son Austin who was 9 and get me to therapy and doctors and so on.  My ex and I travelled a lot for business so my family stepped up to help.  He seemed to be gone all the time.  When I could finally get up and move around myself he said the commute was too long to his job- he took a better position soon after my wreck- and he would be staying at his sisters which was about halfway from our home to his office.  I knew he was stressed and tired so I agreed though it was a little scary as I really wasn't upright that long.  But I was on LTD and he needed to work so I agreed. 

A few months later we moved to the town where he worked. I had to relinquish my position because the doctor's had no idea when I would be able to work again so it made sense. Figured when I finished mending I would find a job with no issues in one of the neighboring towns.  His trips got more and more frequent so HE suggested  I go and stay with one of my closest friends when he was gone- so considerate right?  Only, he wasn't gone.  Two years after the wreck a gal in his office who knew how I had suffered called me crying to tell me I was being played for a fool.  While I was at my friend's home, he was at MY home with his secretary.  The same HR secretary who processed my accident claims with the insurance company- the same one he'd been screwing for over 18 mos.  I walked to my neighbor who confirmed that soon after I left her car was in my stall in our garage and stayed there all weekend.  Stunned I walked back in and went straight to our home office.  I pulled the credit card bills for the last year and almost had a stroke, literally.  Thousands of dollars in hotel rooms around MN, jewelry stores, flower shops, restaurants...  I pulled out my calendar and matched up "trips" with the credit card bills and there it was.  The credit cards were run up to well over $10000 and ALL in my name alone.  He took his name off of all the credit card accounts.  The RA's we opened years before with our CPA were rolled into his name, joint checking and savings accounts- empty.  I started calling to find out what happened in the almost 2 years I had been down.  MN is a no fault state and he told them I was so damaged and hooked on prescription pain killers he feared I might wipe us out.  I was numb.  I was broke. I was screwed.

I sat in there until he came home that day just looking at more and more set ups.  When he walked in and saw me he went very pale.  Apparently I caught on before he could finish wiping me out and finishing me off.  I threw the papers at him and just said, "How could you?"  His answer, and I quote, "Did you really expect me to stay with someone fat and sick?"  Well, yes, I did. 

I called home and sobbed to my family and within two months they were there to bring me home.  He wanted the house, the boat, the truck and her.  I took what little I had left and my piano and headed home humiliated and beyond broken.  I had run from the small town so many years before as soon as I could.  Small hick town north of VA with small minds and no opportunities in my opinion.  I was tortured here in school for being different- even called a witch and spit on- for the record, I'm a sensitive, not witch.  Had I been a witch there would be many more frogs in this small town- that I promise you.  My best friend was also gay and I loved him unconditionally so sometimes I got tortured for that too- he's still worth it.  Alas, I digress.

So, I came home and hid. Saw noone, did nothing but sit and cry and marvel at how a broken heart really hurts quite badly physically.  I became very self destructive gaining even more weight, cutting myself off and believing in nothing.  I honestly didnt want to live at all- had myself convinced my son would be so much better off without a mom who was broke, broken and in a blue funk she could not see out of.  Then, Skeeze girl cancelled health insurance on Austin and I without telling me (found out when I got the bills- woohaa) and when I finally got my 1929 Cris Craft back they had filled it with garbage and slit the seats- one of the few things I had that was Aunt Win.  My LTD had also run out so I had to live on the little left after I paid the lawyer in the divorce.  Life was freaking grand.

Finally, two years after I got here I was released to work.  I have worked to rebuild, worked to pay off loans and just tried to survive.  I drove a borrowed car for a while as I had to turn mine in, sold my boat that belonged to my beloved Aunt Win that was an inheritence to me because I could never afford to repair what he did and sold every piece of jewelry I owned so we could survive long enough to start again.

On the way home one day I heard the opening strains of "I'm Yours".  I knew instantly who it was- that golden voice I loved from Waiting for my Rocket which I still had.  So, after another few months I decided to start walking to try to regain my body and heal. I started by buying We Sing...I also got a portable CD player and some head phones and waddled off.  I could only walk half the yard without stopping when I started but now I can go miles. Every few weeks I got another CD and voraciously absorbed new music.  I also jumped on the web for the first time in years and found Freshness Factor which I thought was amazing.  A group of loving people who believed in what I believed in sharing joy.  Jason- off the charts.  The blog made me laugh out loud which I needed desperately and I actually looked forward to it.  I didn't say much for a long time- just read and watched.  Finally I got the courage to participate and haven't looked back.  I read and absorbed and implemented. I started meditating and manifesting again and best of all I started to hear the Universe whispering again.  On my walks I would see butterflies of every color and shape and since I was in a metamorphosis I took it as a sign.  I sang and danced and strolled with them- didnt steal anything though! 

Now, I am 70 lbs lighter, I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is perfect and I am sliding much faster towards ME!!  Trish Huffman's recipes and insights were amazing and Toca's rebound from the same disease inspired me to try too.  I am so grateful to all of them- how do you say thank you to folks who love you so much when they don't even know you exist...not sure but I'm willing to try.   I am healing in spirit, body and mind AND have real potential to be an entertaining end table as the flat spot on my skull can hold a brew for sure. 
I am storying to myself that I am worthy of health and love and that it will come when Spirit chooses because at that time I am ready.  I am still being tested and educated by Spirit and I am weary at times but I am grateful to at least have a shot at finding out why I am still here.

Love and light
Leah