So, several months into Freshness I read a blog on forgiveness and squirmed uncomfortably in my desk chair. There were some rotten folks in school- bullies extrordinaire that made my life suck most days. I was skinny, bespeckled, braces, frizzy brown hair and VERY different. I love music and poetry and nature and even then heard the whispers of the Universe. I was not athletic though I danced for many years and LOVED it. I had no interest in sports, cheerleading or chasing boys. I was better off wandering thru the woods or singing/performing instrumentally with my close friends. Band= group of misfits tortured for athletic entertainment. If only they knew we didn't care-ha!
So, I finally decided to let it all go. It was over 15 years later- I opened the Facebook page I had started 3 years before and closed immediately for fear they would "find" me and still be hateful which I was not equipped to deal with at that time. To my utter shock friend requests poured in. People I had been an object of ridicule for apologized and it felt AWESOME!! So I reached out and forgave and asked forgiveness and was overjoyed. Are there still some folks that are snidely snarking at me? Yes. The beauty is, I don't care. Snark away- you made me this way. I'm strong because you were mean or knocked my books down or spit on me. I'm me because I lived thru it all and stayed true. I say to you honestly, you did me a favor. (Ok, now I'm snarking tee hee).
So, there were still two big hurts I was harboring. Two was a vast improvement, but they were big. One was a family member who said something incredibly cruel in a letter right around the same time my ex laid the "fat and sick" comment on me and the other was said ex. So, I patted myself on the back for the forgiveness I had given and filed those two away for a rainy day if you will. Alas, they ate at me. I am not good at guilt it weighs too much and wears me down- it's why I don't subscribe. I am a TERRIBLE liar and guilty as hell.
So, fast forward to a year or so later. I am brushing my hair a few weeks ago getting ready for work. I had just finalized plans to take my dad to TN to see his mother who is 95. I was aching over his sister who has held a grudge for over 40 years against the oldest sister, my dad and his brother. She doesn't speak to me anymore either because I told her several years ago that when she called we could talk about anything but that. I loved them all and frankly was sick of the Hatfield and McCoy routine so drop it. She hung up and never called back. I tried- wrote and called but she can REALLY hold a grudge. So, as I was lamenting about the missed years and about how granny really needs all of them now it hit me like a hoof to the chest. I was NO BETTER!! For four years I held a grudge on an uncle who I had loved very dearly. For some reason he sent me a letter at the worst time possible and wrote a list of things he decided he didn't like about me. Ticked them off- there were 12. Received it the day after my ex's affair came to light. Bad timing. My whole family was horrified when I showed them the letter. It was incredibly cruel, very uncalled for and to date we still don't know why. When my Aunt died he lost his marbles for all intents and purposes and I should have seen that but again, bad timing. Grief not handled correctly is dangerous I have learned. Part of my forgiving him was being grateful that I saw how he handled it and did not follow suit. So, in horror I realized I was no different from the Aunt I was tsk'ing about. I meditated all day and on my way home from work I called him and said, "I'm sorry. I think you're letter was crappy and uncalled for but so was my reaction". I was shaking, a little nauseous and figured he would tell me to go screw myself- which is not unusual for him. He didn't. He was shocked- of course blamed me completely, which was expected, but said he was glad I called. Not as glad as I was. I was free. It was done and I had upheld what I promised my beloved Aunt Win I would do. I would try to watch out for him. Better yet my family was stunned. I got the "you didn't owe him an apology- this was his fault" etc. I tried to explain the realization when I looked in the mirror and saw someone else but they never have gotten me spiritually. That's ok though- I am good at not being like everyone else so it works.
I share this not to tout my own accomplishments or point out how wonderfully forgiving I am. I share because a mirror isn't just your physical reflection. If you look hard enough you can see your spirit reflecting there too. Are you being true to your spirit self- the you the Creator and Universe designed in love and light? Are you listening to the Universe or just saying so your blog/internet friends think you're swell? Are you REALLY being love? If the answer is no, please, I implore you to look at the grudge again. Does is REALLY matter anymore and is the cost more than the reason it was started? If the answer is yes- let it go. I was never closer to the butterfly I hold as my symbol as I change physcially and spiritually, as when I let that go. My spirit soared on soft colorful wings as the weight of that grudge lifted off me and I flew freely in love and light and positive energy. Best high ever friends and I have been on some serious painkillers!!
My ex- another story and a work in progress. I am working on forgiving him though the hurt and loss are so profound and total that I struggle. Will I call him to apologize- likely not- at this point not sure it would ever be real and anything but real I cannot do. I will however learn to let it go and in my own time and my own way will forgive.
Peace
No comments:
Post a Comment