Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~Arthur Golden
Truer words have never been spoken. My life has not been easy but I would trade very little of it because the lessons have been priceless and they have shaped the "who" that is becoming me.
I was an extremely successful business woman, happy married and living the picket fence life. On December 16, 2004 it took a screaming turn. I had a really awful car accident after hitting black ice. I shot toward a house that had the TV playing in the living room and just prayed I wouldn't plow into them at 6 am. The Universe complied, but when it shot me in the opposite direction my truck caught the edge and flipped 2 1/2 times down an embankment onto rail road tracks splitting my truck in half. It also crushed my skull, broke numerous bones, caused a brain bleed, bruised my liver, wrecked my left kidney and on and on and on. I was flat on my back for over a year, in and out of the hospital and with painkillers and steroids and lack of movement I put on over 100 lbs in two years.
My dad, sister and uncle's came out to help me with my son Austin who was 9 and get me to therapy and doctors and so on. My ex and I travelled a lot for business so my family stepped up to help. He seemed to be gone all the time. When I could finally get up and move around myself he said the commute was too long to his job- he took a better position soon after my wreck- and he would be staying at his sisters which was about halfway from our home to his office. I knew he was stressed and tired so I agreed though it was a little scary as I really wasn't upright that long. But I was on LTD and he needed to work so I agreed.
A few months later we moved to the town where he worked. I had to relinquish my position because the doctor's had no idea when I would be able to work again so it made sense. Figured when I finished mending I would find a job with no issues in one of the neighboring towns. His trips got more and more frequent so HE suggested I go and stay with one of my closest friends when he was gone- so considerate right? Only, he wasn't gone. Two years after the wreck a gal in his office who knew how I had suffered called me crying to tell me I was being played for a fool. While I was at my friend's home, he was at MY home with his secretary. The same HR secretary who processed my accident claims with the insurance company- the same one he'd been screwing for over 18 mos. I walked to my neighbor who confirmed that soon after I left her car was in my stall in our garage and stayed there all weekend. Stunned I walked back in and went straight to our home office. I pulled the credit card bills for the last year and almost had a stroke, literally. Thousands of dollars in hotel rooms around MN, jewelry stores, flower shops, restaurants... I pulled out my calendar and matched up "trips" with the credit card bills and there it was. The credit cards were run up to well over $10000 and ALL in my name alone. He took his name off of all the credit card accounts. The RA's we opened years before with our CPA were rolled into his name, joint checking and savings accounts- empty. I started calling to find out what happened in the almost 2 years I had been down. MN is a no fault state and he told them I was so damaged and hooked on prescription pain killers he feared I might wipe us out. I was numb. I was broke. I was screwed.
I sat in there until he came home that day just looking at more and more set ups. When he walked in and saw me he went very pale. Apparently I caught on before he could finish wiping me out and finishing me off. I threw the papers at him and just said, "How could you?" His answer, and I quote, "Did you really expect me to stay with someone fat and sick?" Well, yes, I did.
I called home and sobbed to my family and within two months they were there to bring me home. He wanted the house, the boat, the truck and her. I took what little I had left and my piano and headed home humiliated and beyond broken. I had run from the small town so many years before as soon as I could. Small hick town north of VA with small minds and no opportunities in my opinion. I was tortured here in school for being different- even called a witch and spit on- for the record, I'm a sensitive, not witch. Had I been a witch there would be many more frogs in this small town- that I promise you. My best friend was also gay and I loved him unconditionally so sometimes I got tortured for that too- he's still worth it. Alas, I digress.
So, I came home and hid. Saw noone, did nothing but sit and cry and marvel at how a broken heart really hurts quite badly physically. I became very self destructive gaining even more weight, cutting myself off and believing in nothing. I honestly didnt want to live at all- had myself convinced my son would be so much better off without a mom who was broke, broken and in a blue funk she could not see out of. Then, Skeeze girl cancelled health insurance on Austin and I without telling me (found out when I got the bills- woohaa) and when I finally got my 1929 Cris Craft back they had filled it with garbage and slit the seats- one of the few things I had that was Aunt Win. My LTD had also run out so I had to live on the little left after I paid the lawyer in the divorce. Life was freaking grand.
Finally, two years after I got here I was released to work. I have worked to rebuild, worked to pay off loans and just tried to survive. I drove a borrowed car for a while as I had to turn mine in, sold my boat that belonged to my beloved Aunt Win that was an inheritence to me because I could never afford to repair what he did and sold every piece of jewelry I owned so we could survive long enough to start again.
On the way home one day I heard the opening strains of "I'm Yours". I knew instantly who it was- that golden voice I loved from Waiting for my Rocket which I still had. So, after another few months I decided to start walking to try to regain my body and heal. I started by buying We Sing...I also got a portable CD player and some head phones and waddled off. I could only walk half the yard without stopping when I started but now I can go miles. Every few weeks I got another CD and voraciously absorbed new music. I also jumped on the web for the first time in years and found Freshness Factor which I thought was amazing. A group of loving people who believed in what I believed in sharing joy. Jason- off the charts. The blog made me laugh out loud which I needed desperately and I actually looked forward to it. I didn't say much for a long time- just read and watched. Finally I got the courage to participate and haven't looked back. I read and absorbed and implemented. I started meditating and manifesting again and best of all I started to hear the Universe whispering again. On my walks I would see butterflies of every color and shape and since I was in a metamorphosis I took it as a sign. I sang and danced and strolled with them- didnt steal anything though!
Now, I am 70 lbs lighter, I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is perfect and I am sliding much faster towards ME!! Trish Huffman's recipes and insights were amazing and Toca's rebound from the same disease inspired me to try too. I am so grateful to all of them- how do you say thank you to folks who love you so much when they don't even know you exist...not sure but I'm willing to try. I am healing in spirit, body and mind AND have real potential to be an entertaining end table as the flat spot on my skull can hold a brew for sure.
I am storying to myself that I am worthy of health and love and that it will come when Spirit chooses because at that time I am ready. I am still being tested and educated by Spirit and I am weary at times but I am grateful to at least have a shot at finding out why I am still here.
Love and light
Leah
No comments:
Post a Comment