I love the Chinese symbols for gratitude. To me they make sense because they look like exactly what they are- a very complex art form. Today I was tested in my practice of being love and I am forgiving myself for being very human in my reaction. I am also grateful I have also recognized it was an amazing, though painful gift.
My son's father and I have been divorced for a while now. Through some of his own volition and partly because he has serious anger issues he is not really a part of Austin's life. He forgets his birthday, holidays and is, in general, a total shit. So, when we moved back east his brother asked if he could be a part of my son's life. I was hesitant as he has had life long drug issues, is not entirely dependable and used to often find himself in trouble. After meeting with him many times and seeing that he has a nice home now and seemed to be trying really hard to live a good life I decided to let him into Austin's life though I really wondered if it was my best idea. I wanted Austin to have some kind of connection to his dad's side of the family so later he didn't resent me for gladly accepting their lack of involvement in his life. I wanted him to see me practice what I preach- love and forgiveness. So with a little salt I ate some serious crow.
So, over the last few years they got closer and eventually I let Austin spend the night with him. He taught Austin some great things and he also spoke very openly with Austin about what a messed up family he grew up in which validated the few things I told Austin. I didn't tell Austin many, many things that happened and that they did to me as I don't believe in jading a child, so it was great to have them come from his dad's side.
So, this past weekend Austin spent Saturday night there. When he came home on Sunday I could see he wasn't himself and he would not hug me...he's 15 so it's not that unusual but he was REALLY avoiding me. So, I finally ambushed him and as I was smooching his cheek I got the whiff of marijuana. I was so stunned I couldn't move for a minute and then my tongue recovered and I blew. There were the standard denials with spoonfulls of beligerance a dash of fibbing which made a delish bullshit souffle. After about 30 minutes of fighting with him he finally came clean. His 40 year old uncle gave him his first hit of pot-shared a freaking pipe with him. I still cannot believe the audacity. Where in the hell did he ever think he had the right to let MY child try pot? Is that not up to me if he's curious??? I called and emailed the last few days and he won't take my calls. Austin begged me not to call the cops because he didn't want him to lose everything. Me, I wanted him on death row but I realized that a parent has to give respect to get it so I put down the phone and prayed for guidance. I also preach that vengeance is not the way and that the Universe handles these things much better then we do so again, I have to lead by example.
So, in an effort to be love I called his father. It is after all his brother, so I decided I would give him a chance to actually be a parent to Austin for once and handle it. I surmised it would save both brothers embarrassment and keep my son happy. I was wrong. He yelled at me for waking him up Sunday and hung up on me. Then today he calls back and says, "Now that I am awake let's talk about this". Seriously...are you kidding me??? So, I rehashed the whole story and then he proceeded to call me a liar, tell me that my son is a liar and his brother wouldn't do that. He said he had to hear it from Austin as I was mental, screamed and cursed at me for a solid minute until I told him to go to hell and hung up. He calls back a few hours later and insists on speaking to my son. He proceeds to literally interrogate him and then called him a liar to his face and yelled at him. At that point I lost it- I did the worst thing possible. I cut him into tiny slivers and pretty much laid out exactly what I thought about him.
I was bitterly disappointed in myself for losing it. I asked for forgiveness from Spirit for being weak and not being love but I am confused because I am sorry for disappointing such a benevolent Creator but I am not the least bit sorry for the verbal judo. I hope to never speak to him again and doubt my son will- my son's choice- but can you be forgiven when you are not totally sorry? I have forgiven him over and over and over again and I am just finished with it as it always comes back to him attacking me physically and/or mentally.
Then a little while later while talking to my spirit sister I realized what a gift the whole thing was. My son saw his father for exactly who he is. I was validated in the most gracious way. Sure I took one heck of a beating, but my son's eyes are opened. I am worried for him as I don't want him hurt ever but I have been preparing him for years subtly so he wasn't shocked and hurt when his dad finally showed himself. I shouldn't have let him hear me filet him that way but I also wasn't going to let him think it was ok to speak to me that way...very hard to know what way is "right" in this case.
So I am grateful and hoping I have the right to be. I am very grateful to know I have a lot more work to do on being love as that is a very valuable lesson. I hope to someday just be able to smile if I have to deal with him again as he will not change. He chooses to be cold and hateful but I have the gift of having the choice on how I react to it. So, now I try to break this down and acknowledge each piece and FEEL it so it can leave and once again erase him from my consciousness. I hope someday I am truly love so that I can send him love and healing for his mind and soul and I rest in the knowledge that Spirit loves me and Austin, Spirit protects us and Spirit knows I truly am grateful.
Love and light
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