And she begins yet again



I'm over it already.  Imagine that.   I used to be a dweller but I'm over that too- thank God.  I told him how I felt and then walked away.  For a few days I was pissed but part of being me is that I am resiliant.  It reminded me that I need to remember what is me and what I am gifted.

My true is a water sign- I am earth.  Water is free and flowing and creative but can be tempestous and destructive.  I am strong and stable and true and calm but can be obstinant and destructive as well.  Water flows over and through earth and she stays strong and stable holding him safely within her borders.

I am Capricorn and he was a Leo which is also earth.  Picture two large mountains crashing into each other- not pretty.  When I discovered he was a Leo there was a dread in my gut because I know my true is water- it's in the stars.  I am so relieved it showed itself for what it was so soon.  It was a match made in hell.  My first husband was Capricorn, my second, Leo.  This was before I knew what to look for and thought "feelings" and "love" were real and made the relationship work.  Now that I have been so blessed by the Universe and have been gifted this knowledge I need to use it though when you're lonely it's hard.

So, I wait.  I am now grateful for the entire experience.  I learned so much and my belief system was indeed validated and cemented.  Being a goat I am stubborn and I used to forge ahead if it was what I wanted.  Now, I know I have to wait and watch and pray.  I truly want to meet that person and hope that someday I am given that opportunity.  No, I story it will be.  Story you're happy ending and manifest with me you're tomorrow.  Blessings, light and love to you all and thank you for sticking around while I pouted.

Namaste

Sugar coated monkey shit

I am not sure what love is any more. Is it a cruel cosmic joke played on those of us still trying to be optimistic or are we on candid camera to the rest of the world to show us how stupid we are.  I have waited my whole life in anticipation of my next disappointment and frankly, I'm done.  I am too tired to keep at this game.

My latest faux pas is this guy I met who has been coming on to me quite strongly over the last few months and asked me out etc.  I have really been digging this dude so in doing my homework found he has, you guessed it, a WIFE!  So, I flip and basically offer him my entire "Rhaphsody in Peeved major"  and tell him to piss off.  So a few days later he says, Leah, look, we're legally seperated and divoricing.  I should have told you but I'm only married on paper.  We're done.  Pleae let me get to know you better.  I'm crazy about you.

My mind is whispering what nice looking weathly guy who can have anyone wanting with a pudgy middle aged gal?  Mind you I'm not hideous but I've a ways to go before I'm where I want to be.  Then the icy blast of fear that stories me, "He just wants to see what porking a fat girl feels like" and I tremble and want to run like hell.  Stupid me who never learns, I say, ok, let's get to know each other a little better.

So weeks go on, i'm craz about him, he is for me....blahblah...Friday I wished him a happy BD which is today and said, if you're thinking you have to spend it along you don't.  I would be happy to cook for you and hang out and he was very noncommittal which surprised me.  Wanna know why kiddie's???  His NOT "soon to be ex" was taking him to NYC to grab a show and stay a few nights in a hotel.  Me being of delicate nature went after him immediately wanting to know what the hell the deal is.  I get back...it's the latch ditch effort to see if we can make it work. My answer- I hope for your sake is does cause you're finished sniffing around my skirt pal.  Followed with a hearty fuck you very much and have a nice day.

So, I'm finished.  I'm not dating ever again.  I just ate my last bite of sugar coated monkey shit.  Peace.



True



Am I destined to walk with my shoulders stooped under the weight of betrayal and lonliness.
Lost and wandering, yearning for someone with whom to share that which is me?
Do I have the courage to open my heart which has been broken so badly I felt physical pain; eyes that have cried themselves dry from such hurt and sorrow...do I have the perserverance to try and conquer fear?

I yearn for you with feelings so deep and urgent  as I walk barefoot through the grass I feel their vibrations coming up from earth mother.  I walk alone offering my soft moon light until my feet meet the water and it is then i feel the light that is you.  A light as bright as the sun and pure  I know it instantly-it is the light of my true.  Seeing one another doesn't matter- regardless of physicalities we are matched, for our spirits are already in love.  We have imagined one another and manifested each other for so long we know every inch of one another without ever touching.

You gently remove the heavy weights from my weary shoulders and I kiss the tears from your eyes.  As we lay in the soft cool grass entwined we know we are moon and sun, I am earth and you are water and we were destined to be right in this moment.There is no need for physical speech because our souls communicate on a much higher level and we are one. We will always be one and we are grateful.

Namaste

On becoming...

I have blogged a lot on synchronicity lately...well not exactly lately, and I'm sorry for that.  My granny died April 16th followed a few weeks later by my grandpa- Papa Shepherd.  I have been really struggling with the losses along with some other family issues so I just ran out of time. This is so very healing for me so I need to be better about it and thank you for sticking with me while I worked through some things.

So, I had this dream a few weeks ago that my fav musician had his heart broken.  I was employed as a singer (hence the word DREAM- sigh) but I was also preparing fresh food and there for moral support.  He had been gone for a few weeks after the break up and when he came home he was crippled by grief.  I just sat with him and tried to help him in anyway that I could.  Sometimes when you're connected you don't need to be touching to feel the love.  So, eventually he came back into himself and we moved on.  After the dream I woke up to find my face and pillow very wet so I obviously was feeling his pain.  I told my mom about it and she called me weird..total compliment in my book-ha!

Last night I was talking to my sister Andi and we were making plans to catch him live at the beach in September.  I don't know how it came up but she asked if I had read his blog lately and I sheepishly told her I had not since granny passed.  She said oh, they broke up- his choice.  I literally couldn't breathe for a minute and then told her my dream.  We talked for hours about all the synchronicities we have had lately and she made me swear again I hadn't read the blog.  I still haven't as I write this because I just haven't had a chance but I will.  Weirder yet is that I was looking for a letter opener for a nasty cardboard envelope and I saw a statue on the floor covered in dust that was part of an old claim.  It is a barely covered lady with dragonfly's in her hair, at her waist and two huge one by her feet.  She also has wings.  I am still stunned.  I cleaned her up and asked that if noone claims here could I please buy it from the company. I was wearing my moonstone dragon fly right when I found it.  I am not sure what is happening right now but i am grateful. The winged dragonfly lady hit me especially hard because my mantra, which is a poem by Terri St. Cloud, I believe is me as dragonfly lady.  The poem goes:

"Having tired of the negative words-she laid them down.  Being finished with the weighted boots, she burned them.  Touching a feather to her tears, she slipped on her wings,turned to her sky- and flew"
This is my dragon fly lady:





Love and light to all!!!

The Computer Chronicle

Viruses.  Nasty buggers no matter how you slice it.  Stomach, ugh.  Computer, shriek.



I adore my son if I haven't made that clear.  He is the light of my life and in all honesty my world.  He is also the king of all things downloaded.  He even downloaded a fart machine once and I should have been mad but I was laughing too hard.  Short of it...we got a virus.  Not just any old virus.  We caught a super bug that totally fried the computer.  For a few days it wouldn't even turn on and now it just flashes a blue screen.  I was one unhappy momma.  I am however grateful to see the light of it.

I struggle to keep on top of the bills and still make sure Austin has what he needs and he has lunch and running money.  So, how blessed am I that right after tax season we get the virus.  It could have happened right before Christmas and I would have been without a computer for months instead of weeks trying to save up enough to replace it.  Creator also saw fit to help me find a new job (that I love by the way) which will help me make up the money much faster.  I also have no credit cards.  I paid cash for the computer today- I won't live above my means ever again.  It's a terrible feeling to live above your means and the credit card companies are DYING for us to do that.  They make their riches on our stupidity and misfortune.  If I sound harsh please realize I mean OUR misfortune.  I am as guilty as the next guy for using credit cards to live above what I can afford.  Then I took a job at Citibank in customer service/sales.  When I saw what they could do to people legally and started hearing what other banks were doing from the cardholders I paid off my cards (2) and closed them as soon as I could. 

Lessons.  We learn from lessons some so very hard.  I personally am incredibly grateful for the law of abundance, the kindness of Spirit and the knowledge I gained in the most unlikely of circumstances.  I was in two very different positions at two places I hope I never have to have dealings with again. but oh did I learn.  It is amazing what comes from the most unfortunate of experiences if we are open and willing to learn from them.  I will be the first to admit it usually comes afterward becuase in the thick of it we are too upset and/or distracted to learn spiritual lessons at that point.  In my humble opinion I think as long as we learn and apply, even if well after the experience, we are still making the most of it.

So, I raise my Ovaltine to no more harsh lessons (praying), no more stinking computer bugs and many more lessons on living life being love and showing gratitude. 

Light and love

The Dragonfly Days



So today started out with a visit to my wonderful friend and accupuncturist Herb Clark who is amazing.  We had a wonderful accupuncture session followed by a long walk along the canals in Shepherdstown which was as good a therapy for me as the accupuncture.  It's always good to have a kindred spirit to bounce ideas off of PLUS he's a Capricorn so he totally gets me.   So, I told him about the Synchronicity book I have been reading and about how I have been seeing dragonfly images everywhere.  I was sharing how the book tells you to notice and journal them...so, he knows right away why I am seeing them.

The dragonfly symbolizes maturity and depth of character.  It also symbolizes change in the perspective of self realization-that kind of change that has its' source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.   The traditional association of the dragonfly with water also gives rise to the meaning of this amazing insect.  It's scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what's on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life. It can also fly in six different directions and is the only creature that can do so.

Basically it's my graduation from the butterfly stage.  I saw butterflies everywhere last year and the year before...on my walks, on posters, in a song (wink Jason)-everywhere...finally bought a butterfly keychain.  I knew they were part of my metamorphasis getting ready for this year of transition.  Somewhere in the back closet of my mind I knew I read there are different guides for different stages of your journey...I am not sure I was totally understanding that until now.  The dragonfly is with me to guide me as I mature spiritually and mentally and teach me to move from realm to realm and cycle to cycle in any direction with ease.  I am so very grateful...so it get's even better.

When we get back from the walk along the canal we stopped in the shop because he wants me to try an herb he thinks might help with some of my pain issues....not pot-ha!  So, when we get there a good friend of Laura's (she owns the shop) is in from Roanoke doing Tarot readings.  I have never had one and was very excited to try it out though a little fearful.  So, I set up a half hour session and wandered the shop gathering treasures waiting.  I picked up a few stones I wanted and my heart has wanted me to buy more moonstone forever.  Each time I get a bracelet it breaks though so I thought maybe I would try a ring or necklace.  Laura and I chatted and she helped me pick some great stones and next thing you know I'm in the hot seat. 

I was nervous to be honest.  I didn't know what to expect and didn't want any bad news.  So, I sat down with Terri after she smudged and cleared the cards and she had me hold them so they could collect my energy.  They were positively joyous to feel and I could feel the love and energy in them from her and from me- it was powerful.  So, she laid out my cards and the first one came up a wind card- Fear.  I was a believer...right then and there.  I have had lots of fear/anxiety lately and was talking to Herb about it on our walk.  She let me know it's not horror screaming fear, it's just that the cards show I have a lot going on right now and some of it has caused anxiety...cue the new job.  So the cards keep coming.  I get the kharma card reminding me to be humble in my journey and then the 7 tongues comes up.  It's the card that means you can handle many, many things at once and do them well.  She must have seen the look on my face when she turned it over cause to the untrained eye it looked like the mouthy gossip bitch card...she cracked up when I told her how relieved I was!  She said it meant that my fears of not being able to keep up now that I'm back in trucking are WAY off base and I am going to do very, very well there.  My cards were amazing- I got the moon card (remember how I was wanting moonstone) but most importantly I got the card that shows I need to focus more on my path of spirituality because I am correct and the card of protection.  The moon card by the way is mystery, feminine energy and sexuality and feminine power (MEEOOWWW).  So, I'm soaring and crying a little I am so happy and the death card flips over.  Heart stops.  She says, Leah, it symbolizes the end of something major in your life...not a real death persay.  Cue waterworks....the end of the seven year cycle.  At this point I break down and tell her everything...the accident the divorce the BS- all of it and now we're both teary.  She says, now it all makes sense... all these cards make sense to me- I was seeing the pattern but the death card threw me a little until you told me all this- it's over Leah- it's ending.  This is your transition year just like you thought and you're on the right path.  Next card is the Emporer card telling me I will have money, success and happiness again but the kharma card directly across from him reminds me to enjoy it with humility and to raise others up with me.  So, the last card....I am anxious and it's beautiful.  It's the love card.  It's the card with the moonlight spilling into the three chalices.  It's the card that says I have Goddess sister's coming to support me along with my Andi and that it's going to be wonderful.  I held onto Terri for the longest time and thanked her over and over and over for using her gift to help me.  How can you say thank you enough?  So, I told her about the dragon fly thing after we were calming down a bit and she says, "Ask Laura about her dragonfly story-its a good one".  Cue astonishment.

So, I go to my Laura friend and ask her the story and it's amazing.  Her husband was dying of a rare blood disease that hit him with lightning speed.  He went from her healthy husband to ICU in a week- no joke.  She got up one morning to get ready to go back to the ICU (it was May) and decided to have a cup of tea on her deck.  A dragonfly landed on her robe on her heart and she knew right that moment everything would be ok.  So, I told her about Trish's book and how amazing it is and how many dragonflies I have seen lately.  She takes me on the dragonfly tour of the store showing me all the dragonfly things she has and then says, "Wait, I have something I just got that isn't out yet.  It's a MOONSTONE DRAGONFLY RING".  I was so utterly stunned I couldn't speak.  It was so new it wasn't even in inventory and it was breathtaking.  My moonstone and my dragonfly all in one.  I just kept saying how can this be? All we could come up with is sometimes Creator gives you exactly what you need just because.

Wow was I reinforced today.  It's the end of my seven year cycle, I am supposed to be seeing dragonflies, the job was exactly right and EVERYTHING is going to be not only ok, it's going to be better.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am right now to be sharing this with you while I wear my lovely moonstone dragonfly ring.  Believe friends...believe and anything can happen.  I'm here to believe with you, to lift you up when  you are low and to love you no matter what because we're all one Spirit, one Light and one Source.

Namaste

Rebirth and Closure



Painting by Elizabeth Silk entitled "Rebirth"

So, the new job is going amazingly well (knocking wood) and I am adjusting to the commute into the city and the new hours.  I am finally back in my own element and it feels like coming home.  I cannot be thankful enough for this opportunity that I had manifested for so long.  I knew it was right because my prayer was in Creator's time, not mine AND I didn't find the job- it found me- ha! There is so much to learn but I am grateful to gaining more knowledge.  I believe all knowledge is a gift that should be appreciated if only for the fact that someone took their time and love to give it to you.  Doesn't matter if you ever use it.

I AM TIRED THOUGH!  I drive over two hours a day now plus work eight hours.  I come home, might eat, wash my face, brush my teeth and collapse into bed.  I really feel my age now but the ride is so beautiful and I pass thru some really old towns and go thru the mountains so it's just lovely.  I just need to get a rhythm going and settle in.  Everyone there is so nice and helpful and I am just so happy to be there!

On another note, last night my old company called me for an exit interview...two weeks after I left????  So, if I am to follow my life path of love I have to be honest.  I was holding onto some negative energy which is my issue but I was glad to open up to her.  I was brutally honest but polite to her and very factual.  I gave no one sided jaded opinions- I said what happened and how I felt about it.  Since I left four more have gone as well.  It's insane- I have never seen turnover like that.  So, I let her know why and gave input I hope helps anyone else who takes a job at that company.  Worst place I have ever worked hands down.  My positive points are that I met some amazing people I am keeping in touch with AND I got to tell someone how I felt which lifted a burden I didn't realize I was carrying. Now, it's done.  Yet another blessing to be thankful for.

So, forward we go into the Vernal Equinox loving and open and growing every day like the flowers and trees who are waking up.  We have the opportunity for re-birth every single day-how amazing is that? I hope we take it!

Love and light