Life without my sweet

My grandfather died on November 19th at 1035pm.  He was 89 years old.  It was a really cruel end and he was very frightened a lot of the time which almost killed me.  The very last night the nurses were running behind so he hadn't been bathed- he had his meds however...I was the meds nazi.  I finally got fed up because in life he was spotless about himself and kind of smelled.  I didn't know part of it was the smell of organ failure and part was him not being cleaned properly.  I turned the heat way up in his room and stripped down to a tee shirt and jeans and started filling basins with warm water and soap.  I washed him from head to toe singing to him and talking to him and made sure he was as clean as he used to like to be. I sang Mraz's you and I both because the words fit and Bella Luna because he loved it when I played it for him. He was a fellow night owl. I changed  his sheets and gown and bundled him all up because he was running a really high fever.  His breathing by then had slowed to 20-30 second pauses and then a few breaths and another long pause.  As I sat with him after he had his meds and some Tylenol for the fever I knew it was the end.  I whispered to him when the breathing would stop for those interminably long pauses and at times found myself holding my own breath waiting to see if it was done.  I was so frightened it would be but at the same time wishing it would as well.  I have never been so torn in all my life.  Then his breathing got very ragged and it was harder and harder for him to start back up.  I kept telling him to stop trying and that it was ok to go and it hit me like a punch to the gut.  He was doing it for me.  He was not going to allow himself to die in front of me.  I was the first grandchild and he and I had a relationship that was so special there aren't words to describe it.  He didn't want me to see him die.  When I realized it, I kissed him about a thousand times and told him I'd be back in a little while just like I did every time I left for a few hours to get some rest or go to work.  I got home and sat down and shortly after felt a very cool breeze blow by me in the living room and a feeling of panic.  I called the hospice right away and was told he was taking his last breath that very moment literally.  He stopped by to say good-bye which I will be forever grateful for.  They said he just sighed and that was it.

He taught me a lot about listening that night.  How sometimes you have to quiet your mind and listen to the heart's message- the dying can only speak to your heart.  As soon as I listened, he was able to leave.  I miss him so badly as I type this I cannot stop the flow of tears- I miss everything.  His laugh most of all- he had a wicked sense of humor.  He is the only 89 year old I know who attempted to "pop, drop and lock it" when my son found a crazy video that cracked him up.  It was just before he died. He danced all around the room that night cane swinging wildly- my brother and son and I danced right along with him and didn't stop until he was ready to-we knew the moments were winding down. He never cared who was looking or what anyone else thought- I get my free spirit and love of adventure from him.  He was the best.  A new star came out the night he died-I love the night sky so I knew it was never there before.  It's very bright and every night regardless of the weather condition that star peeks it's head out and I say goodnight to my sweet.  I sang Bella Luna that night as I said earlier. It starts "Mystery the moon"...the star is literally right on the edge of a fingernail moon.  I'm going to have a necklace designed to match it one day.  He sent me the star knowing I'd be looking...he's still loving me from wherever forever is. 

xo

Senseless acts of horror

For those of you who know me you know my beloved grandfather "Aboo" is dying.  Last Monday afternoon he stood up from the table after eating lunch and collapsed having had a massive stroke.  The ambulance was summoned and rushed him to Winchester Medical Center where we were told all would be well and in a few days he'd be sent to a re-hab facility to get back on his feet.  More rapidly than I can tell you in words his situation deteriorated to where we are now which is in hospice at Care Haven in Martinsburg.  He was delivered there Tuesday...eight days after it started right on the brink of death.

We have since learned somehow he contracted a really rare degenerative brain disease called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.  It's very similar to Mad Cow Disease and they have no idea how he could have contracted it other than that it strikes alzheimer's patients more then anyone else. He had that plus a side dish of dementia just in case the first wasn't enough to fill you up.  This disease moves frighteningly fast and literally kills the brain minute by minute.  Each day they  did and MRI and you could watch as the grey lobes of his brain slowly turning white starting at the edges and working its' way in.  With that came loss of all movement in all extremeties save for his left hand and wrist, complete blindness, loss of swallow and speech ability, seizures, catheters, diapers and if that wasn't enough, pneumonia.  All of it in the span of a week.

I was with him last night and he could still open his eyes though his ability to speak is now competely gone.  He still pulled my hand a little and moved his head slightly which means he wants a kiss, so I was really grateful to see him still able to do that though by today he will not.  It was the first night I was with him alone and I spent a few hours letting him know it was ok to go, singing and talking to him, crying and just sitting quietly studying every feature of his face and hands so as not to forget a single one.  He's so frail and so close to death but he just won't go.  I let him know several times last night it was ok and we'd all be ok but I know him well enough to know he doesn't leave until he's ready and it's always been his way or the highway.  I just wish he'd find that highway before my heart breaks apart completely.

How do you get over this- you don't.  People keep telling me it gets easier and I already know it doesn't. You cope- that's it.  I am no where near over Aunt Win's death 10 years ago or Grannie's in April and yet here I am again.  Death is cruel and unmerciful and my faith is shaken.  I struggle to know why death can be so cruel to such good people.  My Aunt Win starved to death after a tumor wrapped around her stomach and starved her to death, my grannie with her mind gone messing her own pants, my Aboo as you see above.  Life is so hard so I don't get why death has to be so hard.  I'm so lost.

Shake, rattle and...blow

What a week this has been.  Every other day I have experienced absolute crazy.  It started on Sunday when I got the stomach virus of the year.  I was so sick I literally lost 7 lbs in two days- most sucktacular.

Tuesday I am sitting at my desk talking with a client on the phone to work out the logistics of their truck load and suddenly my chair rolled back about two feet.  As I was rolling I had a vibration starting literally at my core, which by the way scared me because I had a moment of, OH SHIT...it's coming back- am i sick?  Almost immediately there was a roar that sort of sounded like an explosion and all hell broke loose.  The walls were literally moving and my cubicle wall started bending in towards my face.  The office windows were buckling in and pictures and papers started falling and it shook like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  I jumped up and tried to push the wall away from me because I have two glass panes in it that were coming right at me.  Not knowing it was an earthquake I just wanted it away from my eyes.  About 15 seconds later there was such a eerie silence while we all stood there trying to figure out what  happened.  Was it a warehouse accident?  Did a plane go down at Dulles right behind the office?  Or worse, was it a terrorist attack around the 10th anniversary of 9/11?  We're 14 mi from downtown DC so for us it's way to realistic.  It might sound sick but we were really relieved to find out it was an earthquake though once it sunk in we were totally freaked out.  The miracle of mother earth's generosity is noone in the office or the warehouse were seriously injured and not one of the giant pallets, stacked three high in the warehouse came down and killed someone.  She was very kind as she sent us a serious message that we need to take better care of her.

Thursday was severe thunderstorn day which caused a ton of accidents and made traffic impossible.  It was one storm after the next.  Kind of surreal.

It is now about 1am on Saturday and we are set to get battered by hurricane Irene later today.  I am glad today is the last day of the week and sincerely hoping it will break the weather chaos that reigned this week.  Please keep all those who have lost homes and businesses this past week with all the natural disasters.  I send them love and light and healing and pray that earth mother will see fit to give us a little longer to try to do right by her even though we don't deserve it.  Peace, light and love.

And she begins yet again



I'm over it already.  Imagine that.   I used to be a dweller but I'm over that too- thank God.  I told him how I felt and then walked away.  For a few days I was pissed but part of being me is that I am resiliant.  It reminded me that I need to remember what is me and what I am gifted.

My true is a water sign- I am earth.  Water is free and flowing and creative but can be tempestous and destructive.  I am strong and stable and true and calm but can be obstinant and destructive as well.  Water flows over and through earth and she stays strong and stable holding him safely within her borders.

I am Capricorn and he was a Leo which is also earth.  Picture two large mountains crashing into each other- not pretty.  When I discovered he was a Leo there was a dread in my gut because I know my true is water- it's in the stars.  I am so relieved it showed itself for what it was so soon.  It was a match made in hell.  My first husband was Capricorn, my second, Leo.  This was before I knew what to look for and thought "feelings" and "love" were real and made the relationship work.  Now that I have been so blessed by the Universe and have been gifted this knowledge I need to use it though when you're lonely it's hard.

So, I wait.  I am now grateful for the entire experience.  I learned so much and my belief system was indeed validated and cemented.  Being a goat I am stubborn and I used to forge ahead if it was what I wanted.  Now, I know I have to wait and watch and pray.  I truly want to meet that person and hope that someday I am given that opportunity.  No, I story it will be.  Story you're happy ending and manifest with me you're tomorrow.  Blessings, light and love to you all and thank you for sticking around while I pouted.

Namaste

Sugar coated monkey shit

I am not sure what love is any more. Is it a cruel cosmic joke played on those of us still trying to be optimistic or are we on candid camera to the rest of the world to show us how stupid we are.  I have waited my whole life in anticipation of my next disappointment and frankly, I'm done.  I am too tired to keep at this game.

My latest faux pas is this guy I met who has been coming on to me quite strongly over the last few months and asked me out etc.  I have really been digging this dude so in doing my homework found he has, you guessed it, a WIFE!  So, I flip and basically offer him my entire "Rhaphsody in Peeved major"  and tell him to piss off.  So a few days later he says, Leah, look, we're legally seperated and divoricing.  I should have told you but I'm only married on paper.  We're done.  Pleae let me get to know you better.  I'm crazy about you.

My mind is whispering what nice looking weathly guy who can have anyone wanting with a pudgy middle aged gal?  Mind you I'm not hideous but I've a ways to go before I'm where I want to be.  Then the icy blast of fear that stories me, "He just wants to see what porking a fat girl feels like" and I tremble and want to run like hell.  Stupid me who never learns, I say, ok, let's get to know each other a little better.

So weeks go on, i'm craz about him, he is for me....blahblah...Friday I wished him a happy BD which is today and said, if you're thinking you have to spend it along you don't.  I would be happy to cook for you and hang out and he was very noncommittal which surprised me.  Wanna know why kiddie's???  His NOT "soon to be ex" was taking him to NYC to grab a show and stay a few nights in a hotel.  Me being of delicate nature went after him immediately wanting to know what the hell the deal is.  I get back...it's the latch ditch effort to see if we can make it work. My answer- I hope for your sake is does cause you're finished sniffing around my skirt pal.  Followed with a hearty fuck you very much and have a nice day.

So, I'm finished.  I'm not dating ever again.  I just ate my last bite of sugar coated monkey shit.  Peace.



True



Am I destined to walk with my shoulders stooped under the weight of betrayal and lonliness.
Lost and wandering, yearning for someone with whom to share that which is me?
Do I have the courage to open my heart which has been broken so badly I felt physical pain; eyes that have cried themselves dry from such hurt and sorrow...do I have the perserverance to try and conquer fear?

I yearn for you with feelings so deep and urgent  as I walk barefoot through the grass I feel their vibrations coming up from earth mother.  I walk alone offering my soft moon light until my feet meet the water and it is then i feel the light that is you.  A light as bright as the sun and pure  I know it instantly-it is the light of my true.  Seeing one another doesn't matter- regardless of physicalities we are matched, for our spirits are already in love.  We have imagined one another and manifested each other for so long we know every inch of one another without ever touching.

You gently remove the heavy weights from my weary shoulders and I kiss the tears from your eyes.  As we lay in the soft cool grass entwined we know we are moon and sun, I am earth and you are water and we were destined to be right in this moment.There is no need for physical speech because our souls communicate on a much higher level and we are one. We will always be one and we are grateful.

Namaste

On becoming...

I have blogged a lot on synchronicity lately...well not exactly lately, and I'm sorry for that.  My granny died April 16th followed a few weeks later by my grandpa- Papa Shepherd.  I have been really struggling with the losses along with some other family issues so I just ran out of time. This is so very healing for me so I need to be better about it and thank you for sticking with me while I worked through some things.

So, I had this dream a few weeks ago that my fav musician had his heart broken.  I was employed as a singer (hence the word DREAM- sigh) but I was also preparing fresh food and there for moral support.  He had been gone for a few weeks after the break up and when he came home he was crippled by grief.  I just sat with him and tried to help him in anyway that I could.  Sometimes when you're connected you don't need to be touching to feel the love.  So, eventually he came back into himself and we moved on.  After the dream I woke up to find my face and pillow very wet so I obviously was feeling his pain.  I told my mom about it and she called me weird..total compliment in my book-ha!

Last night I was talking to my sister Andi and we were making plans to catch him live at the beach in September.  I don't know how it came up but she asked if I had read his blog lately and I sheepishly told her I had not since granny passed.  She said oh, they broke up- his choice.  I literally couldn't breathe for a minute and then told her my dream.  We talked for hours about all the synchronicities we have had lately and she made me swear again I hadn't read the blog.  I still haven't as I write this because I just haven't had a chance but I will.  Weirder yet is that I was looking for a letter opener for a nasty cardboard envelope and I saw a statue on the floor covered in dust that was part of an old claim.  It is a barely covered lady with dragonfly's in her hair, at her waist and two huge one by her feet.  She also has wings.  I am still stunned.  I cleaned her up and asked that if noone claims here could I please buy it from the company. I was wearing my moonstone dragon fly right when I found it.  I am not sure what is happening right now but i am grateful. The winged dragonfly lady hit me especially hard because my mantra, which is a poem by Terri St. Cloud, I believe is me as dragonfly lady.  The poem goes:

"Having tired of the negative words-she laid them down.  Being finished with the weighted boots, she burned them.  Touching a feather to her tears, she slipped on her wings,turned to her sky- and flew"
This is my dragon fly lady:





Love and light to all!!!