My grandfather died on November 19th at 1035pm. He was 89 years old. It was a really cruel end and he was very frightened a lot of the time which almost killed me. The very last night the nurses were running behind so he hadn't been bathed- he had his meds however...I was the meds nazi. I finally got fed up because in life he was spotless about himself and kind of smelled. I didn't know part of it was the smell of organ failure and part was him not being cleaned properly. I turned the heat way up in his room and stripped down to a tee shirt and jeans and started filling basins with warm water and soap. I washed him from head to toe singing to him and talking to him and made sure he was as clean as he used to like to be. I sang Mraz's you and I both because the words fit and Bella Luna because he loved it when I played it for him. He was a fellow night owl. I changed his sheets and gown and bundled him all up because he was running a really high fever. His breathing by then had slowed to 20-30 second pauses and then a few breaths and another long pause. As I sat with him after he had his meds and some Tylenol for the fever I knew it was the end. I whispered to him when the breathing would stop for those interminably long pauses and at times found myself holding my own breath waiting to see if it was done. I was so frightened it would be but at the same time wishing it would as well. I have never been so torn in all my life. Then his breathing got very ragged and it was harder and harder for him to start back up. I kept telling him to stop trying and that it was ok to go and it hit me like a punch to the gut. He was doing it for me. He was not going to allow himself to die in front of me. I was the first grandchild and he and I had a relationship that was so special there aren't words to describe it. He didn't want me to see him die. When I realized it, I kissed him about a thousand times and told him I'd be back in a little while just like I did every time I left for a few hours to get some rest or go to work. I got home and sat down and shortly after felt a very cool breeze blow by me in the living room and a feeling of panic. I called the hospice right away and was told he was taking his last breath that very moment literally. He stopped by to say good-bye which I will be forever grateful for. They said he just sighed and that was it.
He taught me a lot about listening that night. How sometimes you have to quiet your mind and listen to the heart's message- the dying can only speak to your heart. As soon as I listened, he was able to leave. I miss him so badly as I type this I cannot stop the flow of tears- I miss everything. His laugh most of all- he had a wicked sense of humor. He is the only 89 year old I know who attempted to "pop, drop and lock it" when my son found a crazy video that cracked him up. It was just before he died. He danced all around the room that night cane swinging wildly- my brother and son and I danced right along with him and didn't stop until he was ready to-we knew the moments were winding down. He never cared who was looking or what anyone else thought- I get my free spirit and love of adventure from him. He was the best. A new star came out the night he died-I love the night sky so I knew it was never there before. It's very bright and every night regardless of the weather condition that star peeks it's head out and I say goodnight to my sweet. I sang Bella Luna that night as I said earlier. It starts "Mystery the moon"...the star is literally right on the edge of a fingernail moon. I'm going to have a necklace designed to match it one day. He sent me the star knowing I'd be looking...he's still loving me from wherever forever is.
xo
