Sugar coated monkey shit

I am not sure what love is any more. Is it a cruel cosmic joke played on those of us still trying to be optimistic or are we on candid camera to the rest of the world to show us how stupid we are.  I have waited my whole life in anticipation of my next disappointment and frankly, I'm done.  I am too tired to keep at this game.

My latest faux pas is this guy I met who has been coming on to me quite strongly over the last few months and asked me out etc.  I have really been digging this dude so in doing my homework found he has, you guessed it, a WIFE!  So, I flip and basically offer him my entire "Rhaphsody in Peeved major"  and tell him to piss off.  So a few days later he says, Leah, look, we're legally seperated and divoricing.  I should have told you but I'm only married on paper.  We're done.  Pleae let me get to know you better.  I'm crazy about you.

My mind is whispering what nice looking weathly guy who can have anyone wanting with a pudgy middle aged gal?  Mind you I'm not hideous but I've a ways to go before I'm where I want to be.  Then the icy blast of fear that stories me, "He just wants to see what porking a fat girl feels like" and I tremble and want to run like hell.  Stupid me who never learns, I say, ok, let's get to know each other a little better.

So weeks go on, i'm craz about him, he is for me....blahblah...Friday I wished him a happy BD which is today and said, if you're thinking you have to spend it along you don't.  I would be happy to cook for you and hang out and he was very noncommittal which surprised me.  Wanna know why kiddie's???  His NOT "soon to be ex" was taking him to NYC to grab a show and stay a few nights in a hotel.  Me being of delicate nature went after him immediately wanting to know what the hell the deal is.  I get back...it's the latch ditch effort to see if we can make it work. My answer- I hope for your sake is does cause you're finished sniffing around my skirt pal.  Followed with a hearty fuck you very much and have a nice day.

So, I'm finished.  I'm not dating ever again.  I just ate my last bite of sugar coated monkey shit.  Peace.



True



Am I destined to walk with my shoulders stooped under the weight of betrayal and lonliness.
Lost and wandering, yearning for someone with whom to share that which is me?
Do I have the courage to open my heart which has been broken so badly I felt physical pain; eyes that have cried themselves dry from such hurt and sorrow...do I have the perserverance to try and conquer fear?

I yearn for you with feelings so deep and urgent  as I walk barefoot through the grass I feel their vibrations coming up from earth mother.  I walk alone offering my soft moon light until my feet meet the water and it is then i feel the light that is you.  A light as bright as the sun and pure  I know it instantly-it is the light of my true.  Seeing one another doesn't matter- regardless of physicalities we are matched, for our spirits are already in love.  We have imagined one another and manifested each other for so long we know every inch of one another without ever touching.

You gently remove the heavy weights from my weary shoulders and I kiss the tears from your eyes.  As we lay in the soft cool grass entwined we know we are moon and sun, I am earth and you are water and we were destined to be right in this moment.There is no need for physical speech because our souls communicate on a much higher level and we are one. We will always be one and we are grateful.

Namaste

On becoming...

I have blogged a lot on synchronicity lately...well not exactly lately, and I'm sorry for that.  My granny died April 16th followed a few weeks later by my grandpa- Papa Shepherd.  I have been really struggling with the losses along with some other family issues so I just ran out of time. This is so very healing for me so I need to be better about it and thank you for sticking with me while I worked through some things.

So, I had this dream a few weeks ago that my fav musician had his heart broken.  I was employed as a singer (hence the word DREAM- sigh) but I was also preparing fresh food and there for moral support.  He had been gone for a few weeks after the break up and when he came home he was crippled by grief.  I just sat with him and tried to help him in anyway that I could.  Sometimes when you're connected you don't need to be touching to feel the love.  So, eventually he came back into himself and we moved on.  After the dream I woke up to find my face and pillow very wet so I obviously was feeling his pain.  I told my mom about it and she called me weird..total compliment in my book-ha!

Last night I was talking to my sister Andi and we were making plans to catch him live at the beach in September.  I don't know how it came up but she asked if I had read his blog lately and I sheepishly told her I had not since granny passed.  She said oh, they broke up- his choice.  I literally couldn't breathe for a minute and then told her my dream.  We talked for hours about all the synchronicities we have had lately and she made me swear again I hadn't read the blog.  I still haven't as I write this because I just haven't had a chance but I will.  Weirder yet is that I was looking for a letter opener for a nasty cardboard envelope and I saw a statue on the floor covered in dust that was part of an old claim.  It is a barely covered lady with dragonfly's in her hair, at her waist and two huge one by her feet.  She also has wings.  I am still stunned.  I cleaned her up and asked that if noone claims here could I please buy it from the company. I was wearing my moonstone dragon fly right when I found it.  I am not sure what is happening right now but i am grateful. The winged dragonfly lady hit me especially hard because my mantra, which is a poem by Terri St. Cloud, I believe is me as dragonfly lady.  The poem goes:

"Having tired of the negative words-she laid them down.  Being finished with the weighted boots, she burned them.  Touching a feather to her tears, she slipped on her wings,turned to her sky- and flew"
This is my dragon fly lady:





Love and light to all!!!