Two weeks ago my doctor found lumps in both my breasts. As I sat numb listening to the orders for diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound and biopsy I just reeled inside. Noone in my family has survived it. Always spreads- lung, ovarian, uterine...3 or 4 years later we do lady in a box. As I sat down in the car holding all the test papers crying at the shock it hit me, WHAT THE HELL???!!! Six years I have been slammed and slammed and slammed. Now this. And finally I got angry- I was screaming mad. When do I get a break? When do I get an outlet? When do I get to create again, sing again, write again?? AND mostly WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO REALIZE I WANTED TO AGAIN?? So, I raged for a few days which I normally don't do as I stay away from negativity because I don't want to attract it. I worked thru feeling sorry for myself and the why me's by reading my Aunt Win's article on ovarian- "Why, that's the breaks". She's right. That and knowing once I acknowledge and FEEL the feelings they are done and they can leave.
So for two weeks I have been mashed, smashed, proked, prodded, handled and been WAY outside my comfort zone standing topless in front of folks I don't know. So short of it, it's not cancer and I'm grateful.
Long of it, what now?
Been working horrendous jobs in this economy to clothe and feed the trash compactor that is my son, hiding behind walls of protection so disappointment or hurt don't find me and playing it safe. I think Spirit finally got fed up with me. Gave me the real prospect of death so I'd stop being afraid and follow my own dreams for once which is also outside the comfort zone. 20 years and I dreamed and waited for the "right time". So, I am making the right time. I started travelling this year again for the first time since the wreck and have had a ball. I am still going to help anyone who needs me and spread love and joy because that's how Spirit made me but I'm out for me which I have never done before. Always someone else sick or needy and I'm a mom so it's rarely me. I thought I was starting to do it. I wasn't- I just didn't know it then.
Hello Universe, wonderfully crazy woman with a beautiful singing voice, love for poetry, wicked sense of humor and extremely lusty sense of adventure looking for a life- you hiring?! Oh, if you want me to change- I'm not available.
Love, love, love
