Don't be a hater!!

My sweet cousin Jess was on the news in NYC yesterday.  She had the courage to open up about her eating habits.  She is an incredibly picky eater, identical to my mom.  I am also a picky eater but not by choice.  I have a rare reflux I developed as a child that makes it nearly impossible for me to digest most roughage.  I get excrutiating stomach pains after I eat most fruits and veggies and then my body purges them-violently.  So, though I miss salads and oranges and onion rings ..I can't eat them.

I look this morning and Jess was hurt because two incredibly hateful guys put horrible comments about her being spoiled and they should cancel her insurance and a man named Te said her gene pool should be obliterated.  Seriously??  I was FURIOUS!  Here she is opening herself up to help others and these two idiots attack her.  I went into verbal judo mode and constructed a response that sliced them to pieces.  I wrote and seathed and wrote and steamed and then it hit me.  I am being no different by ranting!  I can cut them down or I can let it go and let the Universe handle it.  I have worked so hard to be love- to be different and follow a different path.  The path of love and light and forgiveness.  I was shocked at how easy it was to slip back into "hot" mode- I come from a family of incredibly hot tempers and sharp tongues on my dad's side.  I realized early I wasn't like that by nature- I was imitating what I had been shown and I could CHOOSE to be different- to be who Spirit created me to be.  So, I deleted my post though I am still pissed at the small minded attack on her.  They don't know she's an amazing teacher working with Austisic kids and has her masters degree in special ed.  They don't know she reaches out to help folks she doesnt even know with no hesitation.  They don't know her!

Then I realized- that's right- they don't and don't deserve too.  Not knowing someone as special as Jess is a big loss for anyone AND the Universe will square it up. Maybe they'll be shooting tomatoes out THEIR noses in the next few days!! 

Love you Jess- no worries about the haters- focus on the folks that dont have your courage that you are helping by just being you!!  Oh, and you know THEY"LL never get that much air time when we're under a serious storm warning!!  Love you Jess!!

peace

Six Impossible Things...





Recently I watched Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland for the umpteenth time.  I love it- I was absolutely gob smacked over just the stills.  When the movie finally came out I was astounded by his vision.  He SAW this movie in his head!!  So aside from the visual addiction I was struck by one phrase in particular.  It's when Alice's father tells her about the six impossible things- if she could name six impossible things that happened to her she could accomplish anything.   She then uses it to help her fend off the great beastie at the end.  So, I really pondered it...how is it any different for any of us? 




If we really consider it, there are six impossible things we can acknowledge every day just in what we think are the mundane moments.  Then in hit me that they don't have to be impossible at all...what about six amazing things that happen to us that we are grateful for.  If I focus on what I experience and find ways to make it amazing and wonderful, I could change everything about my mindset in a matter of minutes.  I could change the energy I was giving and receiving...I could change ANYTHING into love.  So, I began with the trip to Boston and the experiences Andi and I overcame that seemed impossible as they hit.  My first list:

1.  I lost my ticket to Life Is Good the day before I left for the show and was able to get another
2. Andi got travel sick and with love and manifestations of health and positivity (not to mention Nana's     lasagna), in a matter of hours she was better.
3. Andi's hotel lost her reservation and she had no where to stay.  Nana then took us all in so we got to spend the entire weekend together- unexpected and the BEST gift ever!
4. I lost my cell phone at Life Is Good and lost and found had it at the end of the day so I got it back
5. Austin decided about 10 hrs before the show HE wanted to go and we got him a ticket!
6.  My debit card# was stolen and my checking account was wiped out in a matter of hours.  Austin and I had about $45 left in cash and we made it home from Boston on that wee bit and had some change to spare.

So, I decided to do this everyday.  Every morning I am going to try to acknowledge my six impossible/amazing things to start my day off positively. I think that by finding good in the seemingly negative I can heal not only my soul but extend my experience to someone else that might need it.  The law of abundance states you can manifest ANYTHING- I choose love.

Love and light to you!

Beautiful Day



Aunt Win,

Today was incredible.  The kind of day you loved so much in life- I hope it's even better as spirit you.  The late flowers are blooming, the monarchs are swaying on gentle early fall breezes and the air smells sweet and soft.  Cool nights with windows wide open, and yes, on your advice, I still keep them cracked in winter.  I miss you but I feel you, I smell your skin and I see the signs.  Almost 10 years- thank you for the memories and the path you put me on.  I love you.

Possibilities

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.  ~William Shakespeare, Othello


Anything is possible when you see with a loving and grateful heart...the Universe is open if you are...
I had a wonderful adventure with my spirit sister Andi in Boston last weekend, caught my first Mraz concert, saw Nana- it was awesome!! 

Anyway, as I was leaving town with my son we ran into a situation that really peed hard core into my Wheatie bowl...I share to show anything can turn out great if you let it.  So, here we go...

 I was already sniffly leaving the energy of Canton behind. I stop at the local Shell station where Nana dropped us off to walk to the festival the day before to get gas. Swipe my debit card and NOTHING- says unauthorized. Being me, I walk in and say I think there's an issue with the network would you please swipe my card. Declines. Now, I am getting nervous. I flew over to his ATM still clinging to the fading hope it was his machine when it comes back unauthorized yet again. Thankfully I had taken out some cash on Saturday and had held onto most of it. So I paid in cash and called my bank here in Inwood. Late yesterday evening soon after I purchased my t-shirt someone got my debit card number. Hit ATM's, gas stations and a restaurant in Boston Monday at 813am- we didnt get up until almost 10. I sat there numb for a minute trying to process it and realize how utterly foolish it was to use a debit card at a festival. So Austin and I quickly counted what cash we had- $49 between us and the tears hit me.

I don't give myself permission to be angry very often because hate and love walk such a fine line that anger can become bitterness which is a terminal illness. I was however devastated that I had saved up for months to go, was in such a place of love and peace and some creep took me for every penny. Then fear naturally followed as I realized I was over 500 miles from home and had $25 dollars left for tolls, bridges and gas after we filled up. Nana made us take cookies and crackers which I called and thanked her for because we survived on filling up our canteens, saltines and shortbread cookies. Poor Austin was ready to eat his shoe when we hit WV.

So, I cried through MA and RI and when I hit CT I realized I had never been there before and I should be grateful to see these states at all. So, I decided to find things to be happy/grateful for. Started with seeing New England and the knowledge that I lost the 1st ticket and got another, Andi lost her hotel and we were fine, she got sick and we loved and manifested it away (with Nana's most awesome lasagna-though I still have beef tummy ache-lol), we got Austin in last minute, lost my phone and found it and saw Jason Mraz live. That's a flat out miracle bonanza. So, I said if the Universe got us through all that, this will most assuredly be fine. Spirit brought us there and would certainly see us home.

So, off I went believing and loving that I was even there- though am still a little disappointed in the creeper who stole my card number and caused me to have to drive straight home instead of being with my sister that day in NY.  However I know what it is to be wiped out completely so maybe they were desperate- people helped me survive after the wreck so the least I can do is help someone else. Kharma handles the rest.

So, we hit NY, Maurice (gps) went nuts and next thing I know I'm in the Bronx. Me, girl with the well hidden scarlett nape is driving in the Bronx. It was CRAZY- double parking-horns and shouting- CREEPY folks on street corners. I'm raising windows, locking doors and Aust is moaning (imagine that) that he's hot. I don't have enough money to run the air and waste gas and was afraid to keep the windows down so we sat and man, did we sweat. It was so funny. I was seriously Mario Andretti \. We were in the Bronx and on the cross Bronx expressway for over two hours. What an exhilerating experience that I never want to have again!!!

It was worth it though as I hit 78 into Jersey Austin says, "Mom, I am really impressed with your driving- I'm proud of you- I never knew you could drive like that". We also got to see the NYC skyline 2 days after 9/11 and Meadowlands stadium that I saw so many times with Aunt Win. I figured they'd see the WV tags and figure we were inbred if I did something dumb so it was all good. What was better is I was terrified going across the GW bridge would cost me what we had left and I got the courage to roll down my window in the Bronx and holler to the guy next to me who told me it was free leaving the city. Tell me abundance doesn't exist- I found in the Bronx!! There IS love everywhere!!!

So finally in NJ we were dying to use the bathroom and couldnt get off anywhere. After another hour I took the next exit I saw- didnt care where the rest room was -would have stopped anywhere! Came off the ramp and found a rest stop and there was a Shop-Rite that looked so familiar. My spirit was screaming "LOOK AROUND YOU!!" So, I did.  I was in Hopatcong where I spent my summers with my beloved Aunt Win- I was home!! I cried tears of true joy and gratefulness unabashedly- didnt care who saw me. There was a storm brewing- the sky was black, thundering and starting to rain. As we got back on 78- I swear to you - the sky off to my left opened just a little bit and I saw pure blue and the sun rays coming down from it were almost surreal. Austin (yes Austin) says, "Momma- it's Aunt Win- I feel her too- she's here". He was 5 when she died. I was so at peace and so grateful and so joyous nothing else mattered.

If that person hadn't stolen my money I would have gone to Poughkeepsie to see my sister and none of it would have happened. I am so utterly grateful they wiped me out. The gifts I received in exchange were completely priceless. I also realized yet again that belief in the joy and abundance of the Universe is always the way to go. Had I gotten angry I never would have been open to any of these gifts. So no matter what anyone says- or calls me for being different and not fitting in- I am going to go on being love and believing ANYTHING can happen. Better yet I was teaching Austin how to react with love which is a gift to us both. Later he says, "Mom, let's manifest the rest of the week being great so it happens". My boy, who believed in nothing spiritual until Harpers Ferry late one night with me,  realized the power of the Spirit, believing in abundance and the laws of love. There is no greater gift then to see your child acknowledge love. I can only thank Spirit by being the best me I can be and I will.

The gift of knowlege that you lost yourself and the chance to find her again is the greatest gift of all.  Namaste.

Chapter 2.. Breaking out of the Chrysalis- Forgiving



So, several months into Freshness I read a blog on forgiveness and squirmed uncomfortably in my desk chair.  There were some rotten folks in school- bullies extrordinaire that made my life suck most days.  I was skinny, bespeckled, braces, frizzy brown hair and VERY different.  I love music and poetry and nature and even then heard the whispers of the Universe.  I was not athletic though I danced for many years and LOVED it.  I had no interest in sports, cheerleading or chasing boys.  I was better off wandering thru the woods or singing/performing instrumentally with my close friends.   Band= group of misfits tortured for athletic entertainment.  If only they knew we didn't care-ha!

So, I finally decided to let it all go.  It was over 15 years later- I opened the Facebook page I had started 3 years before and closed immediately for fear they would "find" me and still be hateful which I was not equipped to deal with at that time.  To my utter shock friend requests poured in.  People I had been an object of ridicule for apologized and it felt AWESOME!!  So I reached out and forgave and asked forgiveness and was overjoyed.  Are there still some folks that are snidely snarking at me? Yes.  The beauty is, I don't care.  Snark away- you made me this way.  I'm strong because you were mean or knocked my books down or spit on me.  I'm me because I lived thru it all and stayed true.   I say to you honestly, you did me a favor.  (Ok, now I'm snarking tee hee).

So, there were still two big hurts I was harboring.  Two was a vast improvement, but they were big.  One was a family member who said something incredibly cruel in a letter right around the same time my ex laid the "fat and sick" comment on me and the other was said ex.  So, I patted myself on the back for the forgiveness I had given and filed those two away for a rainy day if you will.  Alas, they ate at me.  I am not good at guilt it weighs too much and wears me down- it's why I don't subscribe.  I am a TERRIBLE liar and guilty as hell.

So, fast forward to a year or so later.  I am brushing my hair a few weeks ago getting ready for work.  I had just finalized plans to take my dad to TN to see his mother who is 95.  I was aching over his sister who has held a grudge for over 40 years against the oldest sister, my dad and his brother.  She doesn't speak to me anymore either because I told her several years ago that when she called we could talk about anything but that.  I loved them all and frankly was sick of the Hatfield and McCoy routine so drop it.  She hung up and never called back.  I tried- wrote and called but she can REALLY hold a grudge.  So, as I was lamenting about the missed years and about how granny really needs all of them now it hit me like a hoof to the chest.  I was NO BETTER!!  For four years I held a grudge on an uncle who I had loved very dearly.  For some reason he sent me a letter at the worst time possible and wrote a list of things he decided he didn't like about me.  Ticked them off- there were 12.  Received it the day after my ex's affair came to light.  Bad timing.  My whole family was horrified when I showed them the letter.  It was incredibly cruel, very uncalled for and to date we still don't know why.  When my Aunt died he lost his marbles for all intents and purposes and I should have seen that but again, bad timing.  Grief not handled correctly is dangerous I have learned.  Part of my forgiving him was being grateful that I saw how he handled it and did not follow suit. So, in horror I realized I was no different from the Aunt I was tsk'ing about.  I meditated all day and on my way home from work I called him and said, "I'm sorry.  I think you're letter was crappy and uncalled for but so was my reaction".  I was shaking, a little nauseous and figured he would tell me to go screw myself- which is not unusual for him.  He didn't.  He was shocked- of course blamed me completely, which was expected, but said he was glad I called.  Not as glad as I was.  I was free.  It was done and I had upheld what I promised my beloved Aunt Win I would do.  I would try to watch out for him.  Better yet my family was stunned.  I got the "you didn't owe him an apology- this was his fault" etc.  I tried to explain the realization when I looked in the mirror and saw someone else but they never have gotten me spiritually.  That's ok though- I am good at not being like everyone else so it works.

I share this not to tout my own accomplishments or point out how wonderfully forgiving I am.  I share because a mirror isn't just your physical reflection.  If you look hard enough you can see your spirit reflecting there too.  Are you being true to your spirit self- the you the Creator and Universe designed in love and light?  Are you listening to the Universe or just saying so your blog/internet friends think you're swell?  Are you REALLY being love?  If the answer is no, please, I implore you to look at the grudge again.  Does is REALLY matter anymore and is the cost more than the reason it was started?  If the answer is yes- let it go.  I was never closer to the butterfly I hold as my symbol as I change physcially and spiritually, as when I let that go. My spirit soared on soft colorful wings as the weight of that grudge lifted off me and I flew freely in love and light and positive energy.  Best high ever friends and I have been on some serious painkillers!! 

My ex- another story and a work in progress.  I am working on forgiving him though the hurt and loss are so profound and total that I struggle.  Will I call him to apologize- likely not- at this point not sure it would ever be real and anything but real I cannot do.  I will however learn to let it go and in my own time and my own way will forgive.

Peace

Chapter One-In the beginning there was...flab.



Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.  ~Arthur Golden



Truer words have never been spoken. My life has not been easy but I would trade very little of it because the lessons have been priceless and they have shaped the "who" that is becoming me.

I was an extremely successful business woman, happy married and living the picket fence life.  On December 16, 2004 it took a screaming turn.  I had a really awful car accident after hitting black ice.  I shot toward a house that had the TV playing in the living room and just prayed I wouldn't plow into them at 6 am.  The Universe complied, but when it shot me in the opposite direction my truck caught the edge and flipped 2 1/2 times down an embankment onto rail road tracks splitting my truck in half.  It also crushed my skull, broke numerous bones, caused a brain bleed, bruised my liver, wrecked my left kidney and on and on and on.  I was flat on my back for over a year, in and out of the hospital and with painkillers and steroids and lack of movement I put on over 100 lbs in two years. 

 My dad, sister and uncle's came out to help me with my son Austin who was 9 and get me to therapy and doctors and so on.  My ex and I travelled a lot for business so my family stepped up to help.  He seemed to be gone all the time.  When I could finally get up and move around myself he said the commute was too long to his job- he took a better position soon after my wreck- and he would be staying at his sisters which was about halfway from our home to his office.  I knew he was stressed and tired so I agreed though it was a little scary as I really wasn't upright that long.  But I was on LTD and he needed to work so I agreed. 

A few months later we moved to the town where he worked. I had to relinquish my position because the doctor's had no idea when I would be able to work again so it made sense. Figured when I finished mending I would find a job with no issues in one of the neighboring towns.  His trips got more and more frequent so HE suggested  I go and stay with one of my closest friends when he was gone- so considerate right?  Only, he wasn't gone.  Two years after the wreck a gal in his office who knew how I had suffered called me crying to tell me I was being played for a fool.  While I was at my friend's home, he was at MY home with his secretary.  The same HR secretary who processed my accident claims with the insurance company- the same one he'd been screwing for over 18 mos.  I walked to my neighbor who confirmed that soon after I left her car was in my stall in our garage and stayed there all weekend.  Stunned I walked back in and went straight to our home office.  I pulled the credit card bills for the last year and almost had a stroke, literally.  Thousands of dollars in hotel rooms around MN, jewelry stores, flower shops, restaurants...  I pulled out my calendar and matched up "trips" with the credit card bills and there it was.  The credit cards were run up to well over $10000 and ALL in my name alone.  He took his name off of all the credit card accounts.  The RA's we opened years before with our CPA were rolled into his name, joint checking and savings accounts- empty.  I started calling to find out what happened in the almost 2 years I had been down.  MN is a no fault state and he told them I was so damaged and hooked on prescription pain killers he feared I might wipe us out.  I was numb.  I was broke. I was screwed.

I sat in there until he came home that day just looking at more and more set ups.  When he walked in and saw me he went very pale.  Apparently I caught on before he could finish wiping me out and finishing me off.  I threw the papers at him and just said, "How could you?"  His answer, and I quote, "Did you really expect me to stay with someone fat and sick?"  Well, yes, I did. 

I called home and sobbed to my family and within two months they were there to bring me home.  He wanted the house, the boat, the truck and her.  I took what little I had left and my piano and headed home humiliated and beyond broken.  I had run from the small town so many years before as soon as I could.  Small hick town north of VA with small minds and no opportunities in my opinion.  I was tortured here in school for being different- even called a witch and spit on- for the record, I'm a sensitive, not witch.  Had I been a witch there would be many more frogs in this small town- that I promise you.  My best friend was also gay and I loved him unconditionally so sometimes I got tortured for that too- he's still worth it.  Alas, I digress.

So, I came home and hid. Saw noone, did nothing but sit and cry and marvel at how a broken heart really hurts quite badly physically.  I became very self destructive gaining even more weight, cutting myself off and believing in nothing.  I honestly didnt want to live at all- had myself convinced my son would be so much better off without a mom who was broke, broken and in a blue funk she could not see out of.  Then, Skeeze girl cancelled health insurance on Austin and I without telling me (found out when I got the bills- woohaa) and when I finally got my 1929 Cris Craft back they had filled it with garbage and slit the seats- one of the few things I had that was Aunt Win.  My LTD had also run out so I had to live on the little left after I paid the lawyer in the divorce.  Life was freaking grand.

Finally, two years after I got here I was released to work.  I have worked to rebuild, worked to pay off loans and just tried to survive.  I drove a borrowed car for a while as I had to turn mine in, sold my boat that belonged to my beloved Aunt Win that was an inheritence to me because I could never afford to repair what he did and sold every piece of jewelry I owned so we could survive long enough to start again.

On the way home one day I heard the opening strains of "I'm Yours".  I knew instantly who it was- that golden voice I loved from Waiting for my Rocket which I still had.  So, after another few months I decided to start walking to try to regain my body and heal. I started by buying We Sing...I also got a portable CD player and some head phones and waddled off.  I could only walk half the yard without stopping when I started but now I can go miles. Every few weeks I got another CD and voraciously absorbed new music.  I also jumped on the web for the first time in years and found Freshness Factor which I thought was amazing.  A group of loving people who believed in what I believed in sharing joy.  Jason- off the charts.  The blog made me laugh out loud which I needed desperately and I actually looked forward to it.  I didn't say much for a long time- just read and watched.  Finally I got the courage to participate and haven't looked back.  I read and absorbed and implemented. I started meditating and manifesting again and best of all I started to hear the Universe whispering again.  On my walks I would see butterflies of every color and shape and since I was in a metamorphosis I took it as a sign.  I sang and danced and strolled with them- didnt steal anything though! 

Now, I am 70 lbs lighter, I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is perfect and I am sliding much faster towards ME!!  Trish Huffman's recipes and insights were amazing and Toca's rebound from the same disease inspired me to try too.  I am so grateful to all of them- how do you say thank you to folks who love you so much when they don't even know you exist...not sure but I'm willing to try.   I am healing in spirit, body and mind AND have real potential to be an entertaining end table as the flat spot on my skull can hold a brew for sure. 
I am storying to myself that I am worthy of health and love and that it will come when Spirit chooses because at that time I am ready.  I am still being tested and educated by Spirit and I am weary at times but I am grateful to at least have a shot at finding out why I am still here.

Love and light
Leah